Feeling Inspired

I am currently in the picturesque Blue Ridge mountains staying at the Omni Grove Park Inn in Asheville, NC. Today I toured the Biltmore mansion and had dinner on the estate. It is absolutely gorgeous here! And to top it off, I’m being paid to enjoy the view! My work is hosting a conference on the “forecast of legal education” and so far….I am pretty impressed!

This morning we had a speaker name Scott Stratton. He is a hilarious Canadian and he recently published a book called Unmarketing. His advice for marketing is: Do something worth talking about. He really inspired and made me think about how we view marketing, communication, and social media.

This year I’ve decided to take a different intention with my session choices and I’m looking for things to expand my worldview and challenge me “outside the admissions box”. I have to say, so far, so good. I attended a session titled: Effective Management Strategies. I am a manager. I’m also an employee. I hoped this session would share some insight into how to better effectively manage and engage my colleagues on a daily basis. Boy am I glad I did. Carmen Canales is the head of Human Resources at Wake Forest University. She has worked for Wachovia and Pepsi Cola and has been recently named one of the top women to watch in several polls. I can agree that she is amazing. She is down–to-earth, matter-of-fact, practical, and real. Her challenge was: What can you do to rise to occasion?

Some of her tips included: be creative, Kaizen, be an advocate, show compassion, model inclusiveness, and others; but my favorite of her top 10 was the ever present battle of Priorities v. Balance. Her take on this battle is to worry less about the boundaries and more about remaining steadfast in the priorities, and to understand that priorities shift. She had us complete an exercise where we wrote down our 5 priorities. That was it. No guidelines. No rules. No distinctions. Was this our 5 priorities for work? 5 priorities for life? She would not define. So we took 3 minutes and wrote them down. Then she asked us if that was easy. Only a few people raised their hands. She actually said that it was good that some of us struggled, but encouraged that with age, comes clarity. For many, their priorities revolved around their family: spouse, partner, children, health. For others, especially the younger crowd, we overlooked one very important priority: our self. Again, she commented that usually, putting ourselves on the list comes with time. It is interesting, especially as a woman who is working hard to make her mark in the world, that putting oneself on the top 5 priority list doesn’t compute. But then, that might be where the balance comes into the equation. Understanding your priorities, taking steps to remain steadfast in them, might actually be the key to finding the balance in life.

One final step. She encouraged us to reevaluate our priorities on a regular basis. For some this could be monthly, for many it could be bi-annually. Another great suggestion offered by our fabulous moderator was to do this exercise with your partner to ensure that your priorities are in line and you understand what the goals are. They don’t have to be the same priorities, but you should know how to support and advocate for your partner’s priorities if only to bring them and your relationship happiness and balance.

I encourage you to take 3 minutes and write down your priorities. They can be as broad or as specific as you choose. But write them and keep them somewhere that encouraged you to remain steadfast in them.

What did I write down?

1. Prompt communication
2. Make others feel valued
3. Be grounded in faith
4. Live a life that inspires
5. Maintain openness to new opportunities

Will they change? I’m sure. Did I include myself? I think I meant to in #3. Am I happy with this? ... For now. #Brave

32 in Review

On this, my final day as a 32 year old, (I know…big whoop) I have the Taylor Swift song “22” playing in my head and all I can think is: “Everything will be alright, if we keep dancing like we’re, 32!” Haha! Yes…I love Taylor Swift.

I haven’t blogged in a while and things keep happening in my life that I think, I should blog….and then I don’t. So, I thought this would be a good day to recap the awesomeness of my 32^nd year and how BRAVE I’ve been thus far in 2014.

It’s been a crazy great year. I’ve traveled ALL OVER from family trips to Grand Cayman and Minnesota, to work trips in California, Toronto, Boston and more. My Mom stayed cancer free for a whole year and my brother not only married the woman of his dreams, but welcomed the beautiful baby of ours! I completed a ½ marathon and the Broad Street 10 miler and cheered my sister on through her two triathlons. I spent Thanksgiving in Kentucky taste testing bourbon with my Dad and then Christmas cooking while drinking bourbon (j/k) with the west coast family. I spent New Year’s in Minnesota learning that boiling water becomes powder when thrown into -60 degree air, and I spent “Spring Break” cuddling with my niece in the California sun. I can’t forget my trips to Chicago and Madison, WI to hang with Charlotte’s family and the many skype dates, show and tell sessions, and fashion shows we have had since. This past year also saw my surrogate Grandfather turn 90 years old and throw a fabulous party. I had a college reunion with my 9 college girlfriends, their 9 husbands and their 15 children. I spent a weekend with my Rhode Island kids and they taught me about whip sticks (video on Instagram) and gymnastics and reminded me that no matter how much time passes, I’ll always be the cool old nanny that they’ll cuddle with. This year welcomed COUNTLESS new babies and strengthened fabulous friendships, new and old. Needless to say, it has been a pretty fantastic year!

Holding my niece Sevina Sue for the first time

Finished the LA Rock n' Roll 1/2 marathon with my Momma and Emil cheering me on!

Hamming it up with my LG-Charlotte

2 of my favorite ladies: my Momma & my sissy in the California sunshine!

10 friends celebrate 15 years of friendship!

 

Broad Street 10 miler with my Philly besties!

 Many of my babies new and newer!

There have been moments, though. Moments of doubt and fear and anxiety and questions. When you pray for answers and patience and courage, God wants to make sure you’re up for the challenge. I have sure tried to be. I am blessed beyond measure to have women in my life who continue to walk this road before me and with me and it is their hands I’m so thankful to hold on to. So many have prayed with and for me; encouraged and challenged me; made me laugh and hugged me when I cried; and loved me no matter what I’ve done. I am without words to express my thankfulness for this life, these people, and this past year.

So…this is my year of BRAVE, and I’m almost ½ way through. I’m feeling pretty good about it. I opened my heart and that was fun.  I’ve opened my mind to new opportunities and I’m excited about where that’s leading. I opened my spirit to new friends, challenges and dreams and that is fulfilling. We all have those moments when we question, well, everything. Did I make the right decision? Did I do enough? Did I screw it up? Will I ever find ____ (insert love, health, wealth, happiness here)? Here’s my recent moment with that. I was running the Broad Street 10 miler on May 4^th and I was crossing into the Navy Yard and had about a quarter mile to go, I thought, am I being brave? And no joke, after 2 hours of my workout playlist on shuffle, right then, Sara Bareilles’s Brave came on. Instantly I knew that God was telling me, you’re doing fine. It was truly a “God moment” where I had no doubt that He is the orchestrator of our whole lives.

Ok….so that is 32 in a nutshell. Tonight, I’m going to head to the airport and my healthy, gorgeous, supportive Momma is going to pick me up at LAX and we’re going to live like movie stars for 36 hours at the LA Live Marriott and we’re going to get gussied up and see if we can’t get some nice young gentleman to buy us some birthday drinks tomorrow night.

I want to leave you with one final thought. I recently read The Divergent series and it was really great. Here is a quote from the end of the series that is completely apropos to my year of BRAVE. I hope this quote leaves your inspired and challenged for your year ahead!

"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life." p. 509 of Allegiant by Veronica Roth

3 Years

3 years ago today, I was donating bone marrow.

36 months ago today, doctors were performing magic.

156 weeks ago today, I gave up a piece of me to save all of her.

1,095 days ago today, I gained a new family.

Charlotte is doing great! She is happy and healthy and loving school and basketball and so much more. Her hair is getting longer and she is getting taller and she is such a great big sister.

I continue to be thankful for this opportunity to stand up to cancer. To say, you will not win this battle, and you most certainly will not win this war. I continue to be thankful for the doctors and researchers and philanthropists who support and enable cancer research. I continue to be an advocate for donation and the life long gift that a little bit of pain and discomfort may bring. If one wants to change the world, it only takes one.

Be the one. Be the match.

Patience

When I was young - like Sunday school young - I was told by my pastor that I should be careful what I pray for. Careful because God is not like Santa; He does not usually hand us what we ask for. He usually places the request at the end of a lesson so that we walk away transformed. Just as the famous Chinese prophecy states: give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

I took this very seriously, and very literally.

There is one beatitude that I know (and others have commented that) I lack. Funny enough, it is the first one. Love is patient… 1 Corinthians 13:4.

¹pa·tient

adjective \ˈpā-shənt\

: able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people

Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of pati to suffer; perhaps akin to Greek pēma suffering

First Known Use: 14th century

Annoyed. Long time. Difficult. Suffer. Nothing about patience sounds fun. To have patience is a wonderful thing, especially around children. But not everyone is blessed with it, and I, most certainly am not. I am a doer. I want it done now. I want to make a decision and move on. I want to check the project off my list. I want to be heard the moment I have decided what I’d like to say. I do not enjoy waiting. I am the person who wants to skip the journey and just arrive at the destination. Ok, I think you get the picture. So…back to patience.

As my best friend Sarah and my several Epic Life Groups know, I have refused to pray for patience. I’ve also forbid anyone (who wants to remain my friend) to pray for patience for me. I think I’ve learned just enough of patience to muddle through the journey. I have spent so much time being afraid of what the earning of patience would look like. I fear that God will place challenge after challenge in my path to teach me patience. Who would pray for suffering? That sounds insane! Right?

So I started thinking about another time I used to refuse to pray for something. I used to refuse to pray for a parking spot because I thought it was trivial and God had way bigger fish to fry. (I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story on this blog before so I’ll keep it quick.) The moral of the story is, that I decided to give up my preconceived notion of what is trivial in prayer, and ask God for the parking spot he had planned for me where my car is safe and supposed to be. Sometimes it takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 45 (and on those 45 minute times, I have a few choice words for Him). But I learned that if I can be steadfast in prayer on even the trivial things, I will be more likely to trust and go to Him on the big things. Now, while parking in the city can be annoying, I know it’s out of my control because I trust in His plan.

Today I had to write down my prayer requests for my life group. Everyone in my group is going to pray for me throughout the day. They are going to take my desires, fears and needs and lift them up all day long. While being completely humbled by this knowledge, I am also pretty excited. Excited for the work God will do with the words of my friends. So…I decided that today was a good day to start my journey to patience. I’m hoping that God sees that I have already learned so much patience from the many years of fighting Him on this that I don’t actually have that far to come. (Wishful thinking I’m sure.) But mostly, I’m hoping that I can honestly find peace in the process of waiting. Waiting on a new job. Waiting on my husband. Waiting on visiting home and holding my niece. Waiting on my finances to allow me to take a summer to travel the world. Waiting on my body to find running an enjoyable pass time. Waiting on God to soften my heart, light my path, and fill my soul. I’m hoping the pati (suffering) is not nearly as bad as I have imagined, so in this challenge and in this prayer, I will be BRAVE.

Facing the Fear

Everyone has heard the old adage: “be careful what you wish for”. Well, that is also applicable to “be careful what you pray for” and my new favorite, “be careful what you publically challenge yourself about”. My word for this year is Brave. I promised to be brave. To pray for bravery. And to stand up to the challenge to seek bravery in my life. I feel like God is saying, “Ta da!”

Today, church challenged us to write down the one thing that is holding us back. The one thing we stress over and that causes us not to give life our all. There are several things in my life that hold me back, but what I realized is, that the root of them all is FEAR. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of rejection. Fear of debt. Fear of shame. All of these are individual and I need to work through them, but addressing the root: Fear, demands bravery. It demands that I look my fear in the face and say, “I can survive you. Nothing you can do to me will end me.” But where does that bravery come from? Well, that is the irony, isn’t it? It comes from facing the fear.

I recognized my “one thing” during a beautiful worship song titled Oceans, by Hillsong (which BTW I’ve been listening to on repeat for the last 75 minutes). I highly recommend it! The refrain says:

Sprit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

God reminded me that in my fear, I am EXACTLY where he knew I would be on day 11, 941 of my life. That my life will never be a disappointment to him. He knew every one of my days before I was born and knew my every choice would lead me to right where he would want me. So take that fear! If I trust in Him, His calling, and His plan, then this bravery challenge is another step on the path he laid out for me.

So, when I fear failure, or unworthiness, or rejection, I am going to continue to be brave and pray that my trust will bring me farther than I could ever imagine and that I will be stronger and better and more brave for it. I will know that despite human reaction, God will love me and provide me with a support that will see me through. That ultimately, I have nothing to fear because in the end, he is the one in control and he will love me in spite of EVERYTHING I will ever do. Fear has no place in face of this journey. 

But, I will still caution you, be careful what you “wish for” because in order to gain something, you have to learn or earn it, and often, that does not come easy.....but I know, I hope, I pray, it will be worth it.

Certainty?

 Why is it that when you want to sleep in (on a weekend) you can’t, but when you have to get up (workdays) you oversleep? I can’t seem to figure that one out. This morning, while my alarm was set for 8:51am (to hit the snooze [9minutes] once and then give me 1:15 hours to leisurely get to church), I promptly woke up at 7:45. I guess, since my usual alarm is 6:51am, that actually was sleeping in. So of course, I rolled over, grabbed my iPhone, and logged onto Facebook to see what I missed overnight.

My friend Kim (a cancer survivor) posted this New York Times article written by a neurosurgeon, recently diagnosed with lung cancer. (You can and should read the article here) The article hit me for several reasons and I had a few “cancer” and “numbered days” thoughts I wanted to share.

…”the certainty of death was easier than this uncertain life.”

This was his thought in response to wanting an answer on his lifespan post diagnosis. Most of us know that doctors won’t give you a number. Sometimes they won’t even give you a range, because they want to leave room for hope. Something most of us believes in, but when it comes to a crisis, we want answers, options, facts. But there is something comforting in the way this statement is worded. And also profoundly sad. Because isn’t death certain for all of us? Isn’t every day of our life uncertain, regardless of whether we have cancer, drive a car, or play with snakes? Even when my Mom received her diagnosis, we did the Google search and we learned that 60% of people with her cancer didn’t make it to 5 years (back then). But here we are, 7 years later and she’s going strong. Science is catching up. Faith is preserving will. And Hope has shattered walls.

“The path forward would seem so obvious, if only I knew how many months or years I had left.”

There is a Queen Latifah movie called The Holiday. I must admit I have not seen it, but the premise is, she’s given a terminal diagnosis, quits her job, spends all her money on trips and gifts, etc., only to find out the diagnosis was a mistake and now she has no job, no money, but she has her life. To her, her path seemed so obvious when she knew she only had a few months to live. Nothing else mattered but living life to the fullest and leaving nothing undone. When we’re given a deadline, it is much easier to set goals and accomplish them. You can see the finish line. You are sure to complete all the tasks and in such a way that they leave the mark you hope to leave. There is an element of control in the ability to plan.

But let’s be honest, how much control do we really have? Even with a terminal diagnosis, you could still have a heart attack, or be hit by a bus, or choke on that 6 layer chocolate cake you now eat for breakfast every day. Life happens outside of the schedule and order and plan we make.

What happens when we live our normal, healthy, undiagnosed days as if they were numbered? As if we only had months to live? What would we do differently? Would we watch less television? Would we exercise more or less? Would we call our parents (or our children) more? Would we dress differently? Volunteer more? Would we pray more? Would we sleep less? Listen to our music louder? Experiment in the kitchen? Check more things off our bucket list? Why should we wait to be told we’re dying to really start living?

“I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed both nothing and everything.”

So here’s a newsflash. YOU ARE DYING. Your days are numbered.  Are you going to let it change nothing….or everything? There’s no stopping time so ask yourself, what is it I’ve done with this life and is there more left to do? The answer is YES!!!! So…..your death is certain, the path may be obvious, so make the changes. Speak up for what you want. Go after what you love. Fulfill your goals and dreams. And above all, be BRAVE!!

My One Word

Around New Years, I was wondering if I’d make a resolution. The last few years I have made an athletic resolution – to run a 5k, 10k, half marathon, sprint triathlon – and have kept them. This year, I said I’d like to complete an Olympic distance triathlon. For those of you who think that sounds crazy….it does! ¾ mile swim, 22 mile bike and a 10k (6.2 mile) run. Of course, in light of my sister’s current ironman training, my “Olympic” dream doesn’t seem too hard. But, since I haven’t put my running sneakers on since completing my ½ marathon on October 27^th….it seems a bit of challenge tonight.

Around the same time, I read a post from my dear friend Jami, about the word for this year for her life. And I thought to myself, what an interesting concept. To challenge myself all year long to live up to my hope at the start of the year. I’ve been thinking about it for over 2 weeks now and the only word I continue to hear in my head is BRAVE.

Brave: adjective: feeling or showing no fear : not afraid. 1. Having or showing courage.

Synonyms: bold, courageous, fearless, gutsy, valiant, undaunted.

At first, it’s easy to think we are brave. I am brave. In my life I have moved 3,000 miles away from home to attend college. I took a year off after college to work even when everyone said, “you won’t go back to school”. And then there was law school. When no one in my family had attended grad school, I persevered. Oh, and then the European travel and studying abroad in London and Moscow and moving to New York City to live and work. So, I have definitely been brave a time or two.

I live my life as a mostly open book. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. I will share my life’s journey, adventures, stumbling blocks, heartaches and joys. But lately, I feel challenged in a more emotional and cerebral sense. Several challenges including the ability to receive, the act of investing, the allowance of vulnerability, and most notably overwhelming anxiety, continue to cause me doubt and fear. So this year, I want to face them. To do this, I will need to be brave in a way that I don’t know I have experienced. I will need to be courageous, fearless and even gutsy when it comes to laying aside my emotional weights and overcoming the walls I have built.

First, per my recent post on Acts of Service, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have a tough time receiving. Period. I spend my energy giving. But what I’m learning is that I’m not only shutting out those trying to share their love, I am also depleting my “tank”. Allowing others to care for me causes me tremendous fear, shame, and anxiety. But maybe, if I can find it in myself to be brave and courageous and allow myself to view receiving through the givers eyes, I will be filled. This may be my largest challenge this year, but I accept the challenge to receive, and I’m excited to experience a more full tank.

Second, investing. I am someone who doesn’t do anything halfway. I am a 120% person. I take pride in my acts and accomplishments. But over the years, with hard work and heartache, I have started to find it hard to invest. In people. My job. The future. Everything seems temporary and often not worth the effort. To open myself up to pain doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So without an absolute (which doesn’t ever exist BTW), I have allowed myself to stop investing. I think this also incorporates my fear of being AND appearing vulnerable. We’re taught to be strong women who can do anything on our own because we don’t need anyone, because if we do, than we can’t actually stand on our own. Well I can! I can do it all, all by myself. But why? Why do I want to do it alone? Why should I want to do it alone? Where is the fun when in the end you have no one to share it with? So, this year, I will employ courage and bravery and allow my heart to invest more in others. Friendships, mentorships, maybe love. ;-) I think this one will require me to be valiant. To stand at the brick wall of my heart and beat at the bricks one sword swipe at a time. (I just finished the third Game of Thrones: A Storm of Swords….therefore the battle reference seem appropriate!)

Finally, anxiety. This feels a recent development in my life. I’m sure I’ve always had anxiety in my life about grades, work, perfection, but it seems to be very prevalent in my life as of late. I don’t like it. Anxiety exists to make one feel that they are out of control. But the real issue is that anxiety suggests that we have the ability to control. As humans and even more so as a Christian, we learn that most of life is outside of our control. Granted, I can control my words, my actions, my choices, but that is about it. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control fate. I can’t control cancer. And the toughest one to swallow is that no matter how many scenarios I run over and over in my head, I can’t control others. I can’t control their choices, their reactions, or their words. So why do I have anxiety about it all if it could not be within my control to begin with? In the face of anxiety, I will choose to be brave and accept that my choices may not make others happy. And that I can’t control that. And that people I love might suffer from cancer or accidents or death. I can’t control that. But I can focus on my actions and seek to be brave in my words and deeds.

So…the moral of this story is that I RESOLVE TO BE BRAVE. I will try to courageously receive love and acts of kindness and service. I will valiantly work to strike down my walls of fear and allow love, challenge and opportunity to enter in. And I will be brave in the face of pain and failure which may (or may not) come. Finally, I will be fearless in the face of anxiety. I will pray for peace and I will challenge the anxiety by recognizing the lack of control and bravely seek that peace.

So…now I ask you to keep me accountable and to think about your word for the year might be? Where do you want to see yourself at the end of 2014? Is there anything you struggle with or want to overcome? Or is there just something you want to remind yourself ever now and again?