My One Word

Around New Years, I was wondering if I’d make a resolution. The last few years I have made an athletic resolution – to run a 5k, 10k, half marathon, sprint triathlon – and have kept them. This year, I said I’d like to complete an Olympic distance triathlon. For those of you who think that sounds crazy….it does! ¾ mile swim, 22 mile bike and a 10k (6.2 mile) run. Of course, in light of my sister’s current ironman training, my “Olympic” dream doesn’t seem too hard. But, since I haven’t put my running sneakers on since completing my ½ marathon on October 27^th….it seems a bit of challenge tonight.

Around the same time, I read a post from my dear friend Jami, about the word for this year for her life. And I thought to myself, what an interesting concept. To challenge myself all year long to live up to my hope at the start of the year. I’ve been thinking about it for over 2 weeks now and the only word I continue to hear in my head is BRAVE.

Brave: adjective: feeling or showing no fear : not afraid. 1. Having or showing courage.

Synonyms: bold, courageous, fearless, gutsy, valiant, undaunted.

At first, it’s easy to think we are brave. I am brave. In my life I have moved 3,000 miles away from home to attend college. I took a year off after college to work even when everyone said, “you won’t go back to school”. And then there was law school. When no one in my family had attended grad school, I persevered. Oh, and then the European travel and studying abroad in London and Moscow and moving to New York City to live and work. So, I have definitely been brave a time or two.

I live my life as a mostly open book. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. I will share my life’s journey, adventures, stumbling blocks, heartaches and joys. But lately, I feel challenged in a more emotional and cerebral sense. Several challenges including the ability to receive, the act of investing, the allowance of vulnerability, and most notably overwhelming anxiety, continue to cause me doubt and fear. So this year, I want to face them. To do this, I will need to be brave in a way that I don’t know I have experienced. I will need to be courageous, fearless and even gutsy when it comes to laying aside my emotional weights and overcoming the walls I have built.

First, per my recent post on Acts of Service, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have a tough time receiving. Period. I spend my energy giving. But what I’m learning is that I’m not only shutting out those trying to share their love, I am also depleting my “tank”. Allowing others to care for me causes me tremendous fear, shame, and anxiety. But maybe, if I can find it in myself to be brave and courageous and allow myself to view receiving through the givers eyes, I will be filled. This may be my largest challenge this year, but I accept the challenge to receive, and I’m excited to experience a more full tank.

Second, investing. I am someone who doesn’t do anything halfway. I am a 120% person. I take pride in my acts and accomplishments. But over the years, with hard work and heartache, I have started to find it hard to invest. In people. My job. The future. Everything seems temporary and often not worth the effort. To open myself up to pain doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So without an absolute (which doesn’t ever exist BTW), I have allowed myself to stop investing. I think this also incorporates my fear of being AND appearing vulnerable. We’re taught to be strong women who can do anything on our own because we don’t need anyone, because if we do, than we can’t actually stand on our own. Well I can! I can do it all, all by myself. But why? Why do I want to do it alone? Why should I want to do it alone? Where is the fun when in the end you have no one to share it with? So, this year, I will employ courage and bravery and allow my heart to invest more in others. Friendships, mentorships, maybe love. ;-) I think this one will require me to be valiant. To stand at the brick wall of my heart and beat at the bricks one sword swipe at a time. (I just finished the third Game of Thrones: A Storm of Swords….therefore the battle reference seem appropriate!)

Finally, anxiety. This feels a recent development in my life. I’m sure I’ve always had anxiety in my life about grades, work, perfection, but it seems to be very prevalent in my life as of late. I don’t like it. Anxiety exists to make one feel that they are out of control. But the real issue is that anxiety suggests that we have the ability to control. As humans and even more so as a Christian, we learn that most of life is outside of our control. Granted, I can control my words, my actions, my choices, but that is about it. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control fate. I can’t control cancer. And the toughest one to swallow is that no matter how many scenarios I run over and over in my head, I can’t control others. I can’t control their choices, their reactions, or their words. So why do I have anxiety about it all if it could not be within my control to begin with? In the face of anxiety, I will choose to be brave and accept that my choices may not make others happy. And that I can’t control that. And that people I love might suffer from cancer or accidents or death. I can’t control that. But I can focus on my actions and seek to be brave in my words and deeds.

So…the moral of this story is that I RESOLVE TO BE BRAVE. I will try to courageously receive love and acts of kindness and service. I will valiantly work to strike down my walls of fear and allow love, challenge and opportunity to enter in. And I will be brave in the face of pain and failure which may (or may not) come. Finally, I will be fearless in the face of anxiety. I will pray for peace and I will challenge the anxiety by recognizing the lack of control and bravely seek that peace.

So…now I ask you to keep me accountable and to think about your word for the year might be? Where do you want to see yourself at the end of 2014? Is there anything you struggle with or want to overcome? Or is there just something you want to remind yourself ever now and again?