Certainty?

 Why is it that when you want to sleep in (on a weekend) you can’t, but when you have to get up (workdays) you oversleep? I can’t seem to figure that one out. This morning, while my alarm was set for 8:51am (to hit the snooze [9minutes] once and then give me 1:15 hours to leisurely get to church), I promptly woke up at 7:45. I guess, since my usual alarm is 6:51am, that actually was sleeping in. So of course, I rolled over, grabbed my iPhone, and logged onto Facebook to see what I missed overnight.

My friend Kim (a cancer survivor) posted this New York Times article written by a neurosurgeon, recently diagnosed with lung cancer. (You can and should read the article here) The article hit me for several reasons and I had a few “cancer” and “numbered days” thoughts I wanted to share.

…”the certainty of death was easier than this uncertain life.”

This was his thought in response to wanting an answer on his lifespan post diagnosis. Most of us know that doctors won’t give you a number. Sometimes they won’t even give you a range, because they want to leave room for hope. Something most of us believes in, but when it comes to a crisis, we want answers, options, facts. But there is something comforting in the way this statement is worded. And also profoundly sad. Because isn’t death certain for all of us? Isn’t every day of our life uncertain, regardless of whether we have cancer, drive a car, or play with snakes? Even when my Mom received her diagnosis, we did the Google search and we learned that 60% of people with her cancer didn’t make it to 5 years (back then). But here we are, 7 years later and she’s going strong. Science is catching up. Faith is preserving will. And Hope has shattered walls.

“The path forward would seem so obvious, if only I knew how many months or years I had left.”

There is a Queen Latifah movie called The Holiday. I must admit I have not seen it, but the premise is, she’s given a terminal diagnosis, quits her job, spends all her money on trips and gifts, etc., only to find out the diagnosis was a mistake and now she has no job, no money, but she has her life. To her, her path seemed so obvious when she knew she only had a few months to live. Nothing else mattered but living life to the fullest and leaving nothing undone. When we’re given a deadline, it is much easier to set goals and accomplish them. You can see the finish line. You are sure to complete all the tasks and in such a way that they leave the mark you hope to leave. There is an element of control in the ability to plan.

But let’s be honest, how much control do we really have? Even with a terminal diagnosis, you could still have a heart attack, or be hit by a bus, or choke on that 6 layer chocolate cake you now eat for breakfast every day. Life happens outside of the schedule and order and plan we make.

What happens when we live our normal, healthy, undiagnosed days as if they were numbered? As if we only had months to live? What would we do differently? Would we watch less television? Would we exercise more or less? Would we call our parents (or our children) more? Would we dress differently? Volunteer more? Would we pray more? Would we sleep less? Listen to our music louder? Experiment in the kitchen? Check more things off our bucket list? Why should we wait to be told we’re dying to really start living?

“I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed both nothing and everything.”

So here’s a newsflash. YOU ARE DYING. Your days are numbered.  Are you going to let it change nothing….or everything? There’s no stopping time so ask yourself, what is it I’ve done with this life and is there more left to do? The answer is YES!!!! So…..your death is certain, the path may be obvious, so make the changes. Speak up for what you want. Go after what you love. Fulfill your goals and dreams. And above all, be BRAVE!!

My One Word

Around New Years, I was wondering if I’d make a resolution. The last few years I have made an athletic resolution – to run a 5k, 10k, half marathon, sprint triathlon – and have kept them. This year, I said I’d like to complete an Olympic distance triathlon. For those of you who think that sounds crazy….it does! ¾ mile swim, 22 mile bike and a 10k (6.2 mile) run. Of course, in light of my sister’s current ironman training, my “Olympic” dream doesn’t seem too hard. But, since I haven’t put my running sneakers on since completing my ½ marathon on October 27^th….it seems a bit of challenge tonight.

Around the same time, I read a post from my dear friend Jami, about the word for this year for her life. And I thought to myself, what an interesting concept. To challenge myself all year long to live up to my hope at the start of the year. I’ve been thinking about it for over 2 weeks now and the only word I continue to hear in my head is BRAVE.

Brave: adjective: feeling or showing no fear : not afraid. 1. Having or showing courage.

Synonyms: bold, courageous, fearless, gutsy, valiant, undaunted.

At first, it’s easy to think we are brave. I am brave. In my life I have moved 3,000 miles away from home to attend college. I took a year off after college to work even when everyone said, “you won’t go back to school”. And then there was law school. When no one in my family had attended grad school, I persevered. Oh, and then the European travel and studying abroad in London and Moscow and moving to New York City to live and work. So, I have definitely been brave a time or two.

I live my life as a mostly open book. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. I will share my life’s journey, adventures, stumbling blocks, heartaches and joys. But lately, I feel challenged in a more emotional and cerebral sense. Several challenges including the ability to receive, the act of investing, the allowance of vulnerability, and most notably overwhelming anxiety, continue to cause me doubt and fear. So this year, I want to face them. To do this, I will need to be brave in a way that I don’t know I have experienced. I will need to be courageous, fearless and even gutsy when it comes to laying aside my emotional weights and overcoming the walls I have built.

First, per my recent post on Acts of Service, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have a tough time receiving. Period. I spend my energy giving. But what I’m learning is that I’m not only shutting out those trying to share their love, I am also depleting my “tank”. Allowing others to care for me causes me tremendous fear, shame, and anxiety. But maybe, if I can find it in myself to be brave and courageous and allow myself to view receiving through the givers eyes, I will be filled. This may be my largest challenge this year, but I accept the challenge to receive, and I’m excited to experience a more full tank.

Second, investing. I am someone who doesn’t do anything halfway. I am a 120% person. I take pride in my acts and accomplishments. But over the years, with hard work and heartache, I have started to find it hard to invest. In people. My job. The future. Everything seems temporary and often not worth the effort. To open myself up to pain doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So without an absolute (which doesn’t ever exist BTW), I have allowed myself to stop investing. I think this also incorporates my fear of being AND appearing vulnerable. We’re taught to be strong women who can do anything on our own because we don’t need anyone, because if we do, than we can’t actually stand on our own. Well I can! I can do it all, all by myself. But why? Why do I want to do it alone? Why should I want to do it alone? Where is the fun when in the end you have no one to share it with? So, this year, I will employ courage and bravery and allow my heart to invest more in others. Friendships, mentorships, maybe love. ;-) I think this one will require me to be valiant. To stand at the brick wall of my heart and beat at the bricks one sword swipe at a time. (I just finished the third Game of Thrones: A Storm of Swords….therefore the battle reference seem appropriate!)

Finally, anxiety. This feels a recent development in my life. I’m sure I’ve always had anxiety in my life about grades, work, perfection, but it seems to be very prevalent in my life as of late. I don’t like it. Anxiety exists to make one feel that they are out of control. But the real issue is that anxiety suggests that we have the ability to control. As humans and even more so as a Christian, we learn that most of life is outside of our control. Granted, I can control my words, my actions, my choices, but that is about it. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control fate. I can’t control cancer. And the toughest one to swallow is that no matter how many scenarios I run over and over in my head, I can’t control others. I can’t control their choices, their reactions, or their words. So why do I have anxiety about it all if it could not be within my control to begin with? In the face of anxiety, I will choose to be brave and accept that my choices may not make others happy. And that I can’t control that. And that people I love might suffer from cancer or accidents or death. I can’t control that. But I can focus on my actions and seek to be brave in my words and deeds.

So…the moral of this story is that I RESOLVE TO BE BRAVE. I will try to courageously receive love and acts of kindness and service. I will valiantly work to strike down my walls of fear and allow love, challenge and opportunity to enter in. And I will be brave in the face of pain and failure which may (or may not) come. Finally, I will be fearless in the face of anxiety. I will pray for peace and I will challenge the anxiety by recognizing the lack of control and bravely seek that peace.

So…now I ask you to keep me accountable and to think about your word for the year might be? Where do you want to see yourself at the end of 2014? Is there anything you struggle with or want to overcome? Or is there just something you want to remind yourself ever now and again?