There is a lot to catch up on and I will catch you up on Charlotte, and my Mom, and my sister’s Ironman journey (she completed her first triathlon today and took 2nd place in her age group!), and my gorgeous and perfect baby niece Sevina Sue (Sevi Sue as I like to call her), and Jami, and Grand Cayman, and my brother’s wedding, and getting two new tattoos and meeting boys….but first, I want to share my heart.
So…this has been a pretty great year. It has been a year filed with love and joy and adventure and clean PET scans for everyone I love. But some days, I feel like something is missing. And that is completely fine (and normal….I keep telling myself). So, while traveling for work in early October, I decided to read The Five Love Languages For Singles, by Gary Chapman. It’s pretty much the same as the original Five Love Languages, but he’s phrased much of the application in a way that is a bit more relatable to us many million who have not found (or who have lost) the One. The five love languages are: 1. Physical Touch 2. Words of Affirmation 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time and 5. Acts of Service. First I will say, if you have not read the book or taken the quiz….you should! The quiz is 30 questions and it’s free on the book’s website. It may change your life. It changed mine. If you would have asked me before I read the book and took the quiz what my love language was, I would have said “Acts of Service”; hands down. I love to do things for others and take care of them and surprise them. However…that’s only half of the question. The question really is, “How do you receive love?” How you give it is the second half of that equation, but for 75% of us, those halves are the same answer. So…I read the book and took the quiz. So here are some clues as to my love language:
- I love to babysit my friend’s kids so they can have date night.
2.
I got really upset with my Mom last Christmas because she was shopping on Christmas Eve while I was home cooking, cleaning and wrapping gifts. (NOTE: Need I remind you I live 3,000 miles away from her and spend, on average, $450 to visit home for the holidays.)
3.
I love making my chicken dumpling soup for
people in need, i.e. new baby, loss, sick, etc.
4.
I yearn for hour long phone conversations with
my friends and family who live far away.
5.
I love skyping with the Elske’s and the Rikers!
6.
Pad Thai, bottle of wine, Grey’s and
girlfriend(s) is my idea of a perfect girl’s night!
So…Obviously, my love language is Quality Time. In fact, I
received an 11/12 on QT, so hands down, it is the way I most receive love.
Shockingly, Acts of Service received a 0/12. The others were all in the 5-9
range, so I speak all of those fairly well (although Words of Affirmation was a
9). What I learned about my original hypothesis through this process, was that
I show love through Acts of Service because I associate it with Quality Time.
But I also learned that I don’t accept Acts of Service; actually, like not at
all. I was raised to do acts of service as a way to show love and respect, so
when I don’t do it well or when someone does something for me, I associate it
with not doing something right or being viewed as not smart enough to do it
myself. What this book (and self-reflection, and prayer) is teaching me, is
that, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Others are doing things for me
because they are speaking their own love language. They are trying to show me
they care. They are trying to take care of me. As a 32 year old woman who has
been on her own for quite some time, I’m sure you can see why that has been
hard to digest. But God is relentless in his teaching and in his timing for
answering prayer. Several weeks ago, I attended church and was really struggling with the way the ushers were “assigning our seats”. I have a certain area in the theatre I have always sat, but I wasn’t allowed. I was frustrated. This is my church and I have my “usual spot”, and I felt they were trying to fit me into a place I didn’t want to be. I was so upset I actually started to cry. My best friend looked at me, hugged me, told me I was a mess, and that we’d get Starbucks after and talk about it. I prayed that God would help me to be present and hear what he had for me and to help me get over this frustration. 2 weeks later I attended church and I went to grab my Boston crème donut before service. As I reached for the tongs, a hospitality server picked them up and offered to serve me the donut of my choice. Through clenched teeth I smiled and pointed to the Boston crème; took my plate and stormed to my seat. I smiled at the usher and then walked to the seat I wanted to sit in, and started to sing along with the worship. I closed my eyes and I asked God why. Why can’t they just let me get my own donut? Why does it make me so angry? And seriously, in an instant, I opened my eyes and started to laugh. Out loud. And my best friend looked to me and said, “What?” And I said, “Their love language is acts of service. They are trying to show me love through serving me.” And in that moment I understood that God was not only laughing with me, but also proud of my earnest attempt to understand communication, grace, and love. See, we can’t only speak our #1 and #2 love language. That would make us not only incomplete, but also incompatible with most people. There are people in my life that show me love through Acts of Service and I need to be able to hear that from them despite my insecurities and stubbornness. More importantly, I was reminded, in that moment, that God answers prayer. While reading the Love Languages, I was challenged to ask God to open my heart to Acts of Service and to begin to learn to feel loved through this language. And in his persistence, I am learning….slowly…but learning. And reminded that he does answer prayers….albeit in His “I have eternity” timing….but he does answer them.
So….here is my update. It’s not about anyone in particular….those
will come. But it’s really about a moment of clarity and a challenge to really
look at those close to you and try to understand what they are saying to you in
their words, touch, actions, time, and gifts during this holiday season. I have
a feeling it is so much more than you even realize.
