Patience

When I was young - like Sunday school young - I was told by my pastor that I should be careful what I pray for. Careful because God is not like Santa; He does not usually hand us what we ask for. He usually places the request at the end of a lesson so that we walk away transformed. Just as the famous Chinese prophecy states: give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

I took this very seriously, and very literally.

There is one beatitude that I know (and others have commented that) I lack. Funny enough, it is the first one. Love is patient… 1 Corinthians 13:4.

¹pa·tient

adjective \ˈpā-shənt\

: able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people

Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of pati to suffer; perhaps akin to Greek pēma suffering

First Known Use: 14th century

Annoyed. Long time. Difficult. Suffer. Nothing about patience sounds fun. To have patience is a wonderful thing, especially around children. But not everyone is blessed with it, and I, most certainly am not. I am a doer. I want it done now. I want to make a decision and move on. I want to check the project off my list. I want to be heard the moment I have decided what I’d like to say. I do not enjoy waiting. I am the person who wants to skip the journey and just arrive at the destination. Ok, I think you get the picture. So…back to patience.

As my best friend Sarah and my several Epic Life Groups know, I have refused to pray for patience. I’ve also forbid anyone (who wants to remain my friend) to pray for patience for me. I think I’ve learned just enough of patience to muddle through the journey. I have spent so much time being afraid of what the earning of patience would look like. I fear that God will place challenge after challenge in my path to teach me patience. Who would pray for suffering? That sounds insane! Right?

So I started thinking about another time I used to refuse to pray for something. I used to refuse to pray for a parking spot because I thought it was trivial and God had way bigger fish to fry. (I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story on this blog before so I’ll keep it quick.) The moral of the story is, that I decided to give up my preconceived notion of what is trivial in prayer, and ask God for the parking spot he had planned for me where my car is safe and supposed to be. Sometimes it takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 45 (and on those 45 minute times, I have a few choice words for Him). But I learned that if I can be steadfast in prayer on even the trivial things, I will be more likely to trust and go to Him on the big things. Now, while parking in the city can be annoying, I know it’s out of my control because I trust in His plan.

Today I had to write down my prayer requests for my life group. Everyone in my group is going to pray for me throughout the day. They are going to take my desires, fears and needs and lift them up all day long. While being completely humbled by this knowledge, I am also pretty excited. Excited for the work God will do with the words of my friends. So…I decided that today was a good day to start my journey to patience. I’m hoping that God sees that I have already learned so much patience from the many years of fighting Him on this that I don’t actually have that far to come. (Wishful thinking I’m sure.) But mostly, I’m hoping that I can honestly find peace in the process of waiting. Waiting on a new job. Waiting on my husband. Waiting on visiting home and holding my niece. Waiting on my finances to allow me to take a summer to travel the world. Waiting on my body to find running an enjoyable pass time. Waiting on God to soften my heart, light my path, and fill my soul. I’m hoping the pati (suffering) is not nearly as bad as I have imagined, so in this challenge and in this prayer, I will be BRAVE.

Facing the Fear

Everyone has heard the old adage: “be careful what you wish for”. Well, that is also applicable to “be careful what you pray for” and my new favorite, “be careful what you publically challenge yourself about”. My word for this year is Brave. I promised to be brave. To pray for bravery. And to stand up to the challenge to seek bravery in my life. I feel like God is saying, “Ta da!”

Today, church challenged us to write down the one thing that is holding us back. The one thing we stress over and that causes us not to give life our all. There are several things in my life that hold me back, but what I realized is, that the root of them all is FEAR. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of rejection. Fear of debt. Fear of shame. All of these are individual and I need to work through them, but addressing the root: Fear, demands bravery. It demands that I look my fear in the face and say, “I can survive you. Nothing you can do to me will end me.” But where does that bravery come from? Well, that is the irony, isn’t it? It comes from facing the fear.

I recognized my “one thing” during a beautiful worship song titled Oceans, by Hillsong (which BTW I’ve been listening to on repeat for the last 75 minutes). I highly recommend it! The refrain says:

Sprit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

God reminded me that in my fear, I am EXACTLY where he knew I would be on day 11, 941 of my life. That my life will never be a disappointment to him. He knew every one of my days before I was born and knew my every choice would lead me to right where he would want me. So take that fear! If I trust in Him, His calling, and His plan, then this bravery challenge is another step on the path he laid out for me.

So, when I fear failure, or unworthiness, or rejection, I am going to continue to be brave and pray that my trust will bring me farther than I could ever imagine and that I will be stronger and better and more brave for it. I will know that despite human reaction, God will love me and provide me with a support that will see me through. That ultimately, I have nothing to fear because in the end, he is the one in control and he will love me in spite of EVERYTHING I will ever do. Fear has no place in face of this journey. 

But, I will still caution you, be careful what you “wish for” because in order to gain something, you have to learn or earn it, and often, that does not come easy.....but I know, I hope, I pray, it will be worth it.

Certainty?

 Why is it that when you want to sleep in (on a weekend) you can’t, but when you have to get up (workdays) you oversleep? I can’t seem to figure that one out. This morning, while my alarm was set for 8:51am (to hit the snooze [9minutes] once and then give me 1:15 hours to leisurely get to church), I promptly woke up at 7:45. I guess, since my usual alarm is 6:51am, that actually was sleeping in. So of course, I rolled over, grabbed my iPhone, and logged onto Facebook to see what I missed overnight.

My friend Kim (a cancer survivor) posted this New York Times article written by a neurosurgeon, recently diagnosed with lung cancer. (You can and should read the article here) The article hit me for several reasons and I had a few “cancer” and “numbered days” thoughts I wanted to share.

…”the certainty of death was easier than this uncertain life.”

This was his thought in response to wanting an answer on his lifespan post diagnosis. Most of us know that doctors won’t give you a number. Sometimes they won’t even give you a range, because they want to leave room for hope. Something most of us believes in, but when it comes to a crisis, we want answers, options, facts. But there is something comforting in the way this statement is worded. And also profoundly sad. Because isn’t death certain for all of us? Isn’t every day of our life uncertain, regardless of whether we have cancer, drive a car, or play with snakes? Even when my Mom received her diagnosis, we did the Google search and we learned that 60% of people with her cancer didn’t make it to 5 years (back then). But here we are, 7 years later and she’s going strong. Science is catching up. Faith is preserving will. And Hope has shattered walls.

“The path forward would seem so obvious, if only I knew how many months or years I had left.”

There is a Queen Latifah movie called The Holiday. I must admit I have not seen it, but the premise is, she’s given a terminal diagnosis, quits her job, spends all her money on trips and gifts, etc., only to find out the diagnosis was a mistake and now she has no job, no money, but she has her life. To her, her path seemed so obvious when she knew she only had a few months to live. Nothing else mattered but living life to the fullest and leaving nothing undone. When we’re given a deadline, it is much easier to set goals and accomplish them. You can see the finish line. You are sure to complete all the tasks and in such a way that they leave the mark you hope to leave. There is an element of control in the ability to plan.

But let’s be honest, how much control do we really have? Even with a terminal diagnosis, you could still have a heart attack, or be hit by a bus, or choke on that 6 layer chocolate cake you now eat for breakfast every day. Life happens outside of the schedule and order and plan we make.

What happens when we live our normal, healthy, undiagnosed days as if they were numbered? As if we only had months to live? What would we do differently? Would we watch less television? Would we exercise more or less? Would we call our parents (or our children) more? Would we dress differently? Volunteer more? Would we pray more? Would we sleep less? Listen to our music louder? Experiment in the kitchen? Check more things off our bucket list? Why should we wait to be told we’re dying to really start living?

“I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed both nothing and everything.”

So here’s a newsflash. YOU ARE DYING. Your days are numbered.  Are you going to let it change nothing….or everything? There’s no stopping time so ask yourself, what is it I’ve done with this life and is there more left to do? The answer is YES!!!! So…..your death is certain, the path may be obvious, so make the changes. Speak up for what you want. Go after what you love. Fulfill your goals and dreams. And above all, be BRAVE!!

My One Word

Around New Years, I was wondering if I’d make a resolution. The last few years I have made an athletic resolution – to run a 5k, 10k, half marathon, sprint triathlon – and have kept them. This year, I said I’d like to complete an Olympic distance triathlon. For those of you who think that sounds crazy….it does! ¾ mile swim, 22 mile bike and a 10k (6.2 mile) run. Of course, in light of my sister’s current ironman training, my “Olympic” dream doesn’t seem too hard. But, since I haven’t put my running sneakers on since completing my ½ marathon on October 27^th….it seems a bit of challenge tonight.

Around the same time, I read a post from my dear friend Jami, about the word for this year for her life. And I thought to myself, what an interesting concept. To challenge myself all year long to live up to my hope at the start of the year. I’ve been thinking about it for over 2 weeks now and the only word I continue to hear in my head is BRAVE.

Brave: adjective: feeling or showing no fear : not afraid. 1. Having or showing courage.

Synonyms: bold, courageous, fearless, gutsy, valiant, undaunted.

At first, it’s easy to think we are brave. I am brave. In my life I have moved 3,000 miles away from home to attend college. I took a year off after college to work even when everyone said, “you won’t go back to school”. And then there was law school. When no one in my family had attended grad school, I persevered. Oh, and then the European travel and studying abroad in London and Moscow and moving to New York City to live and work. So, I have definitely been brave a time or two.

I live my life as a mostly open book. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. I will share my life’s journey, adventures, stumbling blocks, heartaches and joys. But lately, I feel challenged in a more emotional and cerebral sense. Several challenges including the ability to receive, the act of investing, the allowance of vulnerability, and most notably overwhelming anxiety, continue to cause me doubt and fear. So this year, I want to face them. To do this, I will need to be brave in a way that I don’t know I have experienced. I will need to be courageous, fearless and even gutsy when it comes to laying aside my emotional weights and overcoming the walls I have built.

First, per my recent post on Acts of Service, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have a tough time receiving. Period. I spend my energy giving. But what I’m learning is that I’m not only shutting out those trying to share their love, I am also depleting my “tank”. Allowing others to care for me causes me tremendous fear, shame, and anxiety. But maybe, if I can find it in myself to be brave and courageous and allow myself to view receiving through the givers eyes, I will be filled. This may be my largest challenge this year, but I accept the challenge to receive, and I’m excited to experience a more full tank.

Second, investing. I am someone who doesn’t do anything halfway. I am a 120% person. I take pride in my acts and accomplishments. But over the years, with hard work and heartache, I have started to find it hard to invest. In people. My job. The future. Everything seems temporary and often not worth the effort. To open myself up to pain doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So without an absolute (which doesn’t ever exist BTW), I have allowed myself to stop investing. I think this also incorporates my fear of being AND appearing vulnerable. We’re taught to be strong women who can do anything on our own because we don’t need anyone, because if we do, than we can’t actually stand on our own. Well I can! I can do it all, all by myself. But why? Why do I want to do it alone? Why should I want to do it alone? Where is the fun when in the end you have no one to share it with? So, this year, I will employ courage and bravery and allow my heart to invest more in others. Friendships, mentorships, maybe love. ;-) I think this one will require me to be valiant. To stand at the brick wall of my heart and beat at the bricks one sword swipe at a time. (I just finished the third Game of Thrones: A Storm of Swords….therefore the battle reference seem appropriate!)

Finally, anxiety. This feels a recent development in my life. I’m sure I’ve always had anxiety in my life about grades, work, perfection, but it seems to be very prevalent in my life as of late. I don’t like it. Anxiety exists to make one feel that they are out of control. But the real issue is that anxiety suggests that we have the ability to control. As humans and even more so as a Christian, we learn that most of life is outside of our control. Granted, I can control my words, my actions, my choices, but that is about it. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control fate. I can’t control cancer. And the toughest one to swallow is that no matter how many scenarios I run over and over in my head, I can’t control others. I can’t control their choices, their reactions, or their words. So why do I have anxiety about it all if it could not be within my control to begin with? In the face of anxiety, I will choose to be brave and accept that my choices may not make others happy. And that I can’t control that. And that people I love might suffer from cancer or accidents or death. I can’t control that. But I can focus on my actions and seek to be brave in my words and deeds.

So…the moral of this story is that I RESOLVE TO BE BRAVE. I will try to courageously receive love and acts of kindness and service. I will valiantly work to strike down my walls of fear and allow love, challenge and opportunity to enter in. And I will be brave in the face of pain and failure which may (or may not) come. Finally, I will be fearless in the face of anxiety. I will pray for peace and I will challenge the anxiety by recognizing the lack of control and bravely seek that peace.

So…now I ask you to keep me accountable and to think about your word for the year might be? Where do you want to see yourself at the end of 2014? Is there anything you struggle with or want to overcome? Or is there just something you want to remind yourself ever now and again?

Acts of Service

Happy December 2013! I feel the need to write the year because I’m pretty sure that I have not updated this blog since the early half of 2013. (I’m writing this before logging in to check because I’m afraid that I am right.) And there is no excuse except to say….I’ve been busy living! If you’re reading this, you’re probably a close friend on Facebook so you haven’t missed much because I post just about everything there, including tons of selfies and lots of made-up hashtags, and I get a lot of flak for them. But, I’ve decided, despite my people pleasing tendencies, I’m going to keep documenting my life the only way I know how…until I have someone to help me….and then I think those pics are called groupies. Haha!

There is a lot to catch up on and I will catch you up on Charlotte, and my Mom, and my sister’s Ironman journey (she completed her first triathlon today and took 2^nd place in her age group!), and my gorgeous and perfect baby niece Sevina Sue (Sevi Sue as I like to call her), and Jami, and Grand Cayman, and my brother’s wedding, and getting two new tattoos and meeting boys….but first, I want to share my heart.

So…this has been a pretty great year. It has been a year filed with love and joy and adventure and clean PET scans for everyone I love. But some days, I feel like something is missing. And that is completely fine (and normal….I keep telling myself). So, while traveling for work in early October, I decided to read The Five Love Languages For Singles, by Gary Chapman. It’s pretty much the same as the original Five Love Languages, but he’s phrased much of the application in a way that is a bit more relatable to us many million who have not found (or who have lost) the One. The five love languages are: 1. Physical Touch 2. Words of Affirmation 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time and 5. Acts of Service. First I will say, if you have not read the book or taken the quiz….you should! The quiz is 30 questions and it’s free on the book’s website. It may change your life. It changed mine. If you would have asked me before I read the book and took the quiz what my love language was, I would have said “Acts of Service”; hands down. I love to do things for others and take care of them and surprise them. However…that’s only half of the question. The question really is, “How do you receive love?” How you give it is the second half of that equation, but for 75% of us, those halves are the same answer. So…I read the book and took the quiz. So here are some clues as to my love language:

1.  I love to babysit my friend’s kids so they can have date night.

2.    I got really upset with my Mom last Christmas because she was shopping on Christmas Eve while I was home cooking, cleaning and wrapping gifts. (NOTE: Need I remind you I live 3,000 miles away from her and spend, on average, $450 to visit home for the holidays.)

3.       I love making my chicken dumpling soup for people in need, i.e. new baby, loss, sick, etc.

4.       I yearn for hour long phone conversations with my friends and family who live far away.

5.       I love skyping with the Elske’s and the Rikers!

6.       Pad Thai, bottle of wine, Grey’s and girlfriend(s) is my idea of a perfect girl’s night!

So…Obviously, my love language is Quality Time. In fact, I received an 11/12 on QT, so hands down, it is the way I most receive love. Shockingly, Acts of Service received a 0/12. The others were all in the 5-9 range, so I speak all of those fairly well (although Words of Affirmation was a 9). What I learned about my original hypothesis through this process, was that I show love through Acts of Service because I associate it with Quality Time. But I also learned that I don’t accept Acts of Service; actually, like not at all. I was raised to do acts of service as a way to show love and respect, so when I don’t do it well or when someone does something for me, I associate it with not doing something right or being viewed as not smart enough to do it myself. What this book (and self-reflection, and prayer) is teaching me, is that, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Others are doing things for me because they are speaking their own love language. They are trying to show me they care. They are trying to take care of me. As a 32 year old woman who has been on her own for quite some time, I’m sure you can see why that has been hard to digest. But God is relentless in his teaching and in his timing for answering prayer.

Several weeks ago, I attended church and was really struggling with the way the ushers were “assigning our seats”. I have a certain area in the theatre I have always sat, but I wasn’t allowed. I was frustrated. This is my church and I have my “usual spot”, and I felt they were trying to fit me into a place I didn’t want to be. I was so upset I actually started to cry. My best friend looked at me, hugged me, told me I was a mess, and that we’d get Starbucks after and talk about it. I prayed that God would help me to be present and hear what he had for me and to help me get over this frustration. 2 weeks later I attended church and I went to grab my Boston crème donut before service. As I reached for the tongs, a hospitality server picked them up and offered to serve me the donut of my choice. Through clenched teeth I smiled and pointed to the Boston crème; took my plate and stormed to my seat. I smiled at the usher and then walked to the seat I wanted to sit in, and started to sing along with the worship. I closed my eyes and I asked God why. Why can’t they just let me get my own donut? Why does it make me so angry? And seriously, in an instant, I opened my eyes and started to laugh. Out loud. And my best friend looked to me and said, “What?” And I said, “Their love language is acts of service. They are trying to show me love through serving me.” And in that moment I understood that God was not only laughing with me, but also proud of my earnest attempt to understand communication, grace, and love. See, we can’t only speak our #1 and #2 love language. That would make us not only incomplete, but also incompatible with most people. There are people in my life that show me love through Acts of Service and I need to be able to hear that from them despite my insecurities and stubbornness. More importantly, I was reminded, in that moment, that God answers prayer. While reading the Love Languages, I was challenged to ask God to open my heart to Acts of Service and to begin to learn to feel loved through this language. And in his persistence, I am learning….slowly…but learning. And reminded that he does answer prayers….albeit in His “I have eternity” timing….but he does answer them.

So….here is my update. It’s not about anyone in particular….those will come. But it’s really about a moment of clarity and a challenge to really look at those close to you and try to understand what they are saying to you in their words, touch, actions, time, and gifts during this holiday season. I have a feeling it is so much more than you even realize.

Charlotte, Jami & Summertime Adventures

It has been two months and I have much to update you on. All good of course!

First, I just returned from a visit to Chicago this past weekend. I was there for work and was able to catch up with travel friends. But no visit to Chicago would be complete without visiting my "LG" Charlotte. She and her family (Dad-Lon, Mom-Amy and sister-Molly) traveled the three hours to Chicago after a stop at Lego Land on Saturday. We met for dinner at the Weber Grill. When they arrived, Charlotte came running up to give me a big hug and although it took Molly a few minutes longer, she soon gave me a hug and they both sat on each side of me at dinner. I continue to find my time with the Elske's very easy. We have much to talk about and catch up on and we just genuinely enjoy "hanging out". Charlotte has many stories to tell me about school and sports and Broadway her dog. After dinner, we walked around the city and found ourselves in the Disney "toy" store. It was so fun to watch the girls travel from shelf to rack and name the characters and snuggle toys. They are such polite and well behaved girls and it is really a joy to watch them giggle and laugh. As we walked around the city, the girls would switch hand holders so I would walk with Charlotte for a block and then Molly for a block. I just loved those moments!

Just the girls before dinner at Weber Grill

On Sunday, we met for a day at Navy Pier. The day was warm but there was so much to do. We settled on the Children's Museum and spent about 3 hours running all around. They had a fire station where the girls could dress up and fight fires. A petting station with tons of stuffed animals where Charlotte set up her own farm with horses eating grass and sick puppies visiting the vet. Molly dressed up as every animal under the sun, including a dragon! We also excavated dinosaur bones and when Charlotte found one she exclaimed, "It must be my lucky day!" After completing just about every section, we embarked on lunch and then it was time to say good-bye. But hopefully for not as long as I am hoping to find a spare weekend to visit the Madison, WI area and meet more of the family including Broadway!

Piggyback Ride at Navy Pier

Selfie on the carousel. We have the same favorite carnival ride!

There are no words to describe the joy and peace a child's laughter can bring. I am blessed by the chance to have heard Charlotte's so many times this weekend and am so thankful for the opportunity to know this family. They are truly salt of the earth people who appreciate every day they have with each other and honor others with their kindness and grace. I am so thankful to be a part of their extended family. For more information on Charlotte's journey and some pictures from this weekend, you can check out her blog at: http://cjelske.wordpress.com/2013/07/14/july-14th-2013-day-856/


Second, as many of you may know, my friend Jami was recently featured on the show Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. If you haven't seen the episode, check it out on www.hulu.com or www.abc.com. It was a fantastic and moving journey of my friend. Jami allowed her vulnerabilities and brokenness to be displayed for the world to see and I believe God meant it to touch thousands (maybe even millions) in a way that only Jami could. She was able to overcome a broken spirit to find her courage, lose weight, get healthy in both mind and body, and visit her birth mother in Chile. I have had the privilege to walk much of this journey with Jami as a friend and a prayer partner and she continues to inspire me daily. She also is keeping a blog about her journey both past and present and you can read more about her journey here: http://www.jamiwitherell.com/.

 
In other news...my Mom is doing really well. We recently went on a family vacation to Grand Cayman and although she succumbed to a respiratory infection, she didn't let it keep her down. We swam with the stingrays and snorkeled with sharks and turtles and squid and even took a submarine ride to over 100 feet below the surface. It was a wonderful time of rest and relaxation and the best part was that she received news only weeks before that her PET scans were clear and she is currently cancer free! That has been a great weight lifted for our family.

Coming up in the life of Erin....my brother is getting married in less than a month and will be a Father in under 4 months. We are so excited for all these firsts for my family and even more excited that we will all be healthy and present to enjoy them.

Thank you for your love and continued support! Life really is a great gift and I'm thankful to share mine with you. Happy July!

Angelina Jolie & BRAC Testing

So today I posted this on FB:
"I rarely post anything "political" on FB, but I wanted to comment on Angelina Jolie's "news". I am so thankful to her and other "famous" women for sharing the choice to be BRAC tested and even go as far as having preventative surgery.
1/10 women will get breast cancer and an even higher rate will get it (before age 45) with a BRAC gene mutation. And even more with the mutation will suffer from ovarian cancer (much harder to detect and often terminal).
Testing showed that Angelina's chances of cancer were 87%+. Should she have waited to have to undergo surgery, chemo, radiation, etc or should she save herself and her family and 6 children the suffering and undergo the preventative actions?
Now I'm not advocating that all women chop off their boobs, but as someone with an elevated risk (27%) of having breast cancer, I am thankful to her for making a tough choice and sharing a story that will hopefully inspire women around the globe NOT to get surgery, but to get TESTED and know their situation and their options. It's nice when a celebrity uses their fame for something constructive. "

If you know me, you know strongly I feel about knowledge and testing and having all your information available to make the best decision. Now, I am a faithful People.com follower and love news about celebrities as much as the next girl, but often I am disgusted by what passes for "news". I don't often feel that we "deserve" to know every detail about a celebrity's divorce, or lunch menu or weight loss/gain. But I am a big believer that God allows things to happen to us to educate others. Angeline Jolie's story is one such situation. She is an international and humanitarian ambassador and her reach for "fame" and education far exceeds most human beings. The loss of her mother, gene testing, and the choice to have preventative surgery, give her a unique platform to educate. Just as Robin Roberts is a voice for the National Bone Marrow Registry, so is Angelina for BRAC testing and beast cancer preventative education.

I am sad that so many women in my family have endured the loss of part or all of their breasts due to this invasive disease. But because they have, I have met with doctors and done the research and understand my risks and the protocols I should take to prevent (as much as I can) getting the disease. Luckily, I am not in the same situation as Angelina and my risk is not a virtual certainty. But I have the information to protect myself and to educate those I love. For those who have not yet endured the heartache of cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery and recovery, take your boobs into your own hands and be proactive. You do not need BRAC testing unless you've had breast cancer while age 45 or younger or your mother or grandmothers have had breast or ovarian cancer. Men can be carriers so if a woman related to your Father has had either cancer, they should be tested to determine if their have the gene. If they do, then your Father should consider getting tested before insurance will likely cover your testing.

Educate, educate, educate.
Rant complete. :-)