Birthday Time!

Happy May! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while...I've been out enjoying the beautiful weather and in the pool working off my post-surgery weight!

No recent updates on LG, but I am resting easy knowing that she headed home 1 month after the transplant cancer free! This means she's been home (I hope) for just over a month! I am so thankful that God allowed the opportunity for both of us. It was a healing process for us both.

So my 30th birthday is coming up in 1 week and I am so excited! My Mom on the other hand can't believe that she has a 30 year old daughter. She claimed that I was going to surpass her in age very shortly...but she's got the big 5-0 coming up next month and don't think for a moment I will let her forget it! She claims to be excited for every birthday she gets...but I know she is secretly a little spooked by the 1/2 century mark. I am sorry that I live 3,000 miles away and will not be able to pull off a super secret surprise party, but I did that for her 30th birthday, so it's someone elses turn this time!

I find that I have moments of questioning and worry about the future. Especially when it comes to wanting to make a difference and leave my mark on the world. I sometimes wonder what I've done to make the most of my time on Earth. So....I am keeping a list of things I am accomplishing in my 30th year. I think it's important to remind myself that although I still have some outstanding adventures (i.e. marriage and kids), there are quite a lot of adventures I have completed (and have planned). So far this year I have completed:
1. A 5k
2. A 10k
3. A successful bone marrow donation
4. Skiing some awesome slopes in Tahoe
5. And was a Maid of Honor for my best friend!

On the To Do List are:
1. Skydiving and
2. My 2 week vacation to the Caribbean. I've never been and I'm so excited to swim with sting rays and maybe dolphins too!

I'm also throwing myself a big Hollywood themed birthday party to celebrate with my friends! And I have friends coming from both coasts!

If there is one thing I've learned this year, it's that time is precious and I love celebrating time and those I care about. I can't wait to enjoy a 5-day weekend with so many I hold dear and celebrate life and the journey that has brought me to today. Enjoy your moments! Celebrate Life! Celebrate You!

Going Home!

LG II is being discharged from the hospital..."cancer free...healthy...and ready to have fun being a kid again!"

That was the email update I received today from her Aunt. Amazing what prayers and science can do! I am elated to hear that and so excited for both her and the family! She has been in the hospital almost every day since September 11th, that's over 200 days. And now, she get to go home, to her own bed and learn what it means to be a kid! And to think, she received her transplant 1 month ago today.

Such exciting and joyful news for a Friday! Please keep her in your prayers, but rejoice in this blessing!

One Month Has Passed...

And my stem cells have engrafted (taken) in LG's system!

I received an email this morning from my liaison at Be The Match telling me that LG is recovering well and will hopefully be discharged from the hospital soon. This is such fantastic news! Receiving this information earlier than expected has really placed a spring in my step today and I couldn't wait to share the news with all of you who have been on this journey with me.

I hope that my words describe what a life changing and positive experience this opportunity has been for me. I have never felt more alive, supported, encouraged, and strong in my faith than I do today. I firmly believe that we all have the power to change lives and I'm thankful for the opportunity to share this experience with you and encourage you to do the same.

It is a happy happy Thursday!

The Race of Life

Moral of the story...train for a 10k!

Last weekend I participated in a local 10k trail run. There were a couple reasons for this adventure: 1. It was my New Year's Resolution to complete a 10k by my 30th birthday. 2. I was hoping this run would inspire me to get back to working out/running more consistently.

Well...what I learned is that you should definitely train before a major exercise event. I also learned that there is nothing wrong with finishing last, as long as you finish. And I did. I ran the event by myself and talked myself through it. After the first mile, I was thinking, "Erin, what were you thinking? You are a crazy person!" Then I would think, "You are a healthy 29 year old woman who can do this. There is no reason you can't." I didn't stop once. I didn't sit down. I just kept walking and jogging. I kept thinking about all those who may not have the chance to accomplish this feat. I pushed myself to finish for those I hope will get the chance someday. I finished in 1 hour 46 minutes, but there is nothing wrong with finishing last.

I know I would have done better if I had more time to exercise. I know I would have done better if it was a flat course. I know I would have done better if...if...if. This is what was going through my mind after the race. But then I looked at my free arm warmers and the number 414 on my chest and I smiled to myself in my rear view mirror. You have to start somewhere. It only gets better from here.

I did have a moment during the run when I almost broke down. As I passed mile 4, the most I've ever done in a workout, I took a picture and I called my Mom. Now, it was only 7am California time, so I didn't expect her to answer, but I left her a panting voicemail notifying her of the accomplishment thus far and encouraging her to slap me from clear across the country if I ever express interest in running a 10k again. When I hung up the phone, it hit me. I always call my Mom first. She is always the first person I want to share things that happen in my life, either good or bad. What happens if a day comes when she isn't there? What if the cancer comes back? This reminded me to cherish the moments I do have to share with her and to continue to support the cancer cure efforts in every way I can.

My encouragement for you: Pick a thing on your bucket list and work towards accomplishing it. Whether you finish first or last, you will have accomplished it, and from personal experience I can guarantee that it is worth it. No one, and nothing (especially cancer) can take that away!

Positivity & Resolve

On Friday, I received an email letting me know my staph evaluation came back negative. I had no doubt since I've been healthy the entire time, but it's nice to have confirmation. I also received an email update from LGII's Aunt telling me that she is doing better than 99% of those who have received transplants in her home hospital. She is up, running around and playing as if she hasn't been sick. I have maintained my resolve and I have not read her family's blog, but it is wonderful to know that she is healing well; at least that she is having some positive, healthy, and fun filled time.

In writing today's words, I am reminded of the title of this blog: Our Numbered Days. How easy it is to forget that today is not a promise. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I feel like I spend so much of my time wondering when, how, where, and not enough remembering to be thankful for here and now. I am struggling to re-find the resolve and the peace I had before the surgery. That peace that I had that told me I was ready to live, or die, at any moment. Now I feel that part of me is back to the struggles of "what if I don't", and "how come I haven't". Sometimes, this is a dark place to be; sad; exhausting.

But then, through friends, prayer and scripture, I am reminded that our days are numbered and that God has a plan. I am learning to embrace these moments of doubt and turn them into peace. Look at my life and list the little miracles that God continues to perform everyday. I have come miles from where I started even 6 months ago, and that renews my excitement and resolve for what is forthcoming.

I want to be encouraging to those who may read this and know what I am feeling. The desire for a mended friendship, for love, for a baby, for a wedding. The desire to feel so close to something that you could get lost for days. The desire to provide for someone you love so they know no want. The hope that your life is not in vain and that you will have left a mark when your days are through. Know this, not one of us was put on this Earth without a purpose. Your purpose is being revealed a little bit everyday. Be patient, love yourself and allow the time and space for God to work. Because when it is revealed, you will know happiness beyond compare. Know that you are right where you are supposed to be. I know I am, and so far, I wouldn't change a thing.

All Out In The Open

I just wanted to post an update to all the drama I recently posted. :-)

I did speak with my rep at Be The Match and explained to her the situation. I think I was most afraid of being in trouble for "breaking the rules" even though it was completely unintentional. I explained the situation, told her I broke contact with the family, and asked her whether I would be notified if I was in any health danger. She told me she needed to talk to a few people and get right back to me.

Be The Match cannot confirm or deny whether LGII is LG (obviously) but they have decided that to ease my concern for my health, they will schedule a staph evaluation for me. The medical team indicated that in all likelihood, if I have not become sick by now, I will not become sick, but they want to make sure I am at peace in light of the situation. I am awaiting this date/time.

I am doing so much better today that I was on Tuesday. I am the type of person that works through my feelings and concerns by talking to those around me and I was so blessed to have people to walk me through my grief, concern and anxiety and give me great advice. I have placed LG/LGII's health back in God's hands and I have faith that His will for her will be done.

It has been 1 week since my donation and I'm feeling about 90%. Still have some tenderness in my lower back and become winded when I exert too much energy, but other than that, I'm feeling well. The bruising on my hand is still the worst of the outward signs of surgery. I have no visual bruising on my back save the slight circles and scabs at the incision sites. They look like 2 bug bites. Much better than the doctors predicted. Totally worth the possibility of a cure and I would absolutely do it again!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Rules are NOT meant to be broken...

It has been 6 days since my donation and I am healing really well. I spent much of the weekend in bed or in the cradled position on the living room recliner. I had so many visitors and flowers and food made for me. I've always been the one to take care of others, but I have to admit, it was really awesome to feel so loved! I actually have pretty minimal bruising around the two incision sights, but there is still some swelling. I'm definitely still anemic as the massive bruising on my hands have not quite cleared up yet, but I'm still taking iron up to 3 times a day to help replenish. The bruising on my hands from the multiple needle punctures is actually the worst bruising (so far on my body). Every day I'm getting more strength back and am so thankful that there were no real complications for my health. Right now I'm fighting exhaustion and constant nausea, but I know that will lessen with each day as I get stronger. I have been back to work since Monday, albeit slightly reduced hours. :-)

That being said...I reached out to LG II's Aunt yesterday to see how she is doing. Well, she seems to be responding well so far. Her Aunt shared with me the family's blog of her journey and I was really excited to start reading about "the other side" of the donation process. I started at the beginning...LG II was diagnosed on Sept. 11, 2010 and started chemo the same night. She has been in the hospital almost everyday since, receiving treatments. The family wrote daily updates (like I did on my Mom's carepage) so I started to skim after a few days. AML is very aggressive and she was lucky to have caught it before it started spreading to her vital organs. AML has a 60% survival rate with a BMT (bone marrow transplant). Then I skipped ahead to January...the family posted on Monday, January 10th that a match had been found and they were to meet with the doctors for more details. I was notified on Friday, January 7th that I was a match. The meeting with the doctors was very promising. The match that was found for LG II was a perfect HLA match. Also, they look for a Natural Killer Cell (NK) match. There are 4 levels: None, Standard, Better and Best. The donor was a Better match and that was the highest match that LG II's hospital has every transplanted. The transplant date was set for March 3rd. My original donation date was March 2nd.

Goosebumps, right? At this point in reading the blog I started to bawl my eyes out...this is my LG! I mean...there is no confirmation, but all signs point to this being my LG. What a fantastic moment to read about the joy and excitement for this family. To see pictures of LG and to learn about her horrific journey and how it has altered this family and the community which support them.

So, of course, I skip to the most recent posts to learn about how the transplant is going. Here is where I received devastating news...it appears that the bone marrow contracted a staph infection which was not caught by the doctors until half-way through the transplant. The blood cultures taken tested positive for a rare form of staph. Reading this, I immediately felt horrified. I felt dirty, disgusting, infected and just beside myself. How could this happen? I had been through so many tests and passed with flying colors, or so I thought. It was the hardest thing to read as the family processed through this information and to read the anger, frustration, helplessness and fear that coursed through their words. They completed the transplant and had to hold their breath. The last post I read was for Monday. It appears that the staph strain is receptive to most antibiotics and that she had shown no signs of infection as of Monday night. Doctors were confident (as of Monday) that if she had not shown signs of infection (most notably a spiked fever), that she was likely going to be ok. LG II had been on antibiotics after a false positive test only 2 days before the transplant. The doctors think that the infection was contracted when the needle pierced the skin of the donor and entered the blood stream. Again, if I am the donor, totally makes sense with the multiple needle injections in multiple rooms during my donation.

I notified LG II's Aunt that I now understand why they have the 1 year rule. In 1 year, if LG II is doing great, I would never have had this information or concern. I told her that I would no longer be reading their blog as I do not want to hinder the documentation of their journey. I do NOT want them to curtail what they write on their blog because they are concerned at who might be reading it. This is their experience, just as this blog is mine. I struggled with whether to even post all this as I was having such pain and anxiety yesterday with the information, but after much consultation with those closest to me, I believe this information came to me for a reason and I want to share what could happen.

God has continued to speak to me through this experience. Hindsight is 20/20 and that has never been more true than today. God knew that there would be an infection and allowed that false positive to provide the antibiotics to be administered. I truly believe that this is yet another opportunity for me to learn faith, discipline, and self-control (in not reading LG II's blog), but most importantly to continue my journey in learning to accept life and not try to control everything.

I wanted to share this experience not because it is part of the journey and I want other donors to know the risks of knowing their donees. Everyone should be mindful of the rules. I will continue to put my faith in God and know that His hand is in every moment of this situation. As more time passes, I am more at peace with this process and know that without my donation, infected or clean, LG/LG II did not have much of a chance at survival; the cancer was killing her.

Before knowing this information I said that I would donate my bone marrow everyday over and over to help save someone (especially a baby) from this terrible disease. I feel even more strongly now. The 1 week of pain and recovery does not compare to the journey this family has been on and I would give of myself again to save her, in a heartbeat. Thank you for your love, support and continued prayers for both my recovery and that of LG/LG II.

Still & ALWAYS a Joyful Donor