Feeling Inspired

I am currently in the picturesque Blue Ridge mountains staying at the Omni Grove Park Inn in Asheville, NC. Today I toured the Biltmore mansion and had dinner on the estate. It is absolutely gorgeous here! And to top it off, I’m being paid to enjoy the view! My work is hosting a conference on the “forecast of legal education” and so far….I am pretty impressed!

This morning we had a speaker name Scott Stratton. He is a hilarious Canadian and he recently published a book called Unmarketing. His advice for marketing is: Do something worth talking about. He really inspired and made me think about how we view marketing, communication, and social media.

This year I’ve decided to take a different intention with my session choices and I’m looking for things to expand my worldview and challenge me “outside the admissions box”. I have to say, so far, so good. I attended a session titled: Effective Management Strategies. I am a manager. I’m also an employee. I hoped this session would share some insight into how to better effectively manage and engage my colleagues on a daily basis. Boy am I glad I did. Carmen Canales is the head of Human Resources at Wake Forest University. She has worked for Wachovia and Pepsi Cola and has been recently named one of the top women to watch in several polls. I can agree that she is amazing. She is down–to-earth, matter-of-fact, practical, and real. Her challenge was: What can you do to rise to occasion?

Some of her tips included: be creative, Kaizen, be an advocate, show compassion, model inclusiveness, and others; but my favorite of her top 10 was the ever present battle of Priorities v. Balance. Her take on this battle is to worry less about the boundaries and more about remaining steadfast in the priorities, and to understand that priorities shift. She had us complete an exercise where we wrote down our 5 priorities. That was it. No guidelines. No rules. No distinctions. Was this our 5 priorities for work? 5 priorities for life? She would not define. So we took 3 minutes and wrote them down. Then she asked us if that was easy. Only a few people raised their hands. She actually said that it was good that some of us struggled, but encouraged that with age, comes clarity. For many, their priorities revolved around their family: spouse, partner, children, health. For others, especially the younger crowd, we overlooked one very important priority: our self. Again, she commented that usually, putting ourselves on the list comes with time. It is interesting, especially as a woman who is working hard to make her mark in the world, that putting oneself on the top 5 priority list doesn’t compute. But then, that might be where the balance comes into the equation. Understanding your priorities, taking steps to remain steadfast in them, might actually be the key to finding the balance in life.

One final step. She encouraged us to reevaluate our priorities on a regular basis. For some this could be monthly, for many it could be bi-annually. Another great suggestion offered by our fabulous moderator was to do this exercise with your partner to ensure that your priorities are in line and you understand what the goals are. They don’t have to be the same priorities, but you should know how to support and advocate for your partner’s priorities if only to bring them and your relationship happiness and balance.

I encourage you to take 3 minutes and write down your priorities. They can be as broad or as specific as you choose. But write them and keep them somewhere that encouraged you to remain steadfast in them.

What did I write down?

1. Prompt communication
2. Make others feel valued
3. Be grounded in faith
4. Live a life that inspires
5. Maintain openness to new opportunities

Will they change? I’m sure. Did I include myself? I think I meant to in #3. Am I happy with this? ... For now. #Brave

32 in Review

On this, my final day as a 32 year old, (I know…big whoop) I have the Taylor Swift song “22” playing in my head and all I can think is: “Everything will be alright, if we keep dancing like we’re, 32!” Haha! Yes…I love Taylor Swift.

I haven’t blogged in a while and things keep happening in my life that I think, I should blog….and then I don’t. So, I thought this would be a good day to recap the awesomeness of my 32^nd year and how BRAVE I’ve been thus far in 2014.

It’s been a crazy great year. I’ve traveled ALL OVER from family trips to Grand Cayman and Minnesota, to work trips in California, Toronto, Boston and more. My Mom stayed cancer free for a whole year and my brother not only married the woman of his dreams, but welcomed the beautiful baby of ours! I completed a ½ marathon and the Broad Street 10 miler and cheered my sister on through her two triathlons. I spent Thanksgiving in Kentucky taste testing bourbon with my Dad and then Christmas cooking while drinking bourbon (j/k) with the west coast family. I spent New Year’s in Minnesota learning that boiling water becomes powder when thrown into -60 degree air, and I spent “Spring Break” cuddling with my niece in the California sun. I can’t forget my trips to Chicago and Madison, WI to hang with Charlotte’s family and the many skype dates, show and tell sessions, and fashion shows we have had since. This past year also saw my surrogate Grandfather turn 90 years old and throw a fabulous party. I had a college reunion with my 9 college girlfriends, their 9 husbands and their 15 children. I spent a weekend with my Rhode Island kids and they taught me about whip sticks (video on Instagram) and gymnastics and reminded me that no matter how much time passes, I’ll always be the cool old nanny that they’ll cuddle with. This year welcomed COUNTLESS new babies and strengthened fabulous friendships, new and old. Needless to say, it has been a pretty fantastic year!

Holding my niece Sevina Sue for the first time

Finished the LA Rock n' Roll 1/2 marathon with my Momma and Emil cheering me on!

Hamming it up with my LG-Charlotte

2 of my favorite ladies: my Momma & my sissy in the California sunshine!

10 friends celebrate 15 years of friendship!

 

Broad Street 10 miler with my Philly besties!

 Many of my babies new and newer!

There have been moments, though. Moments of doubt and fear and anxiety and questions. When you pray for answers and patience and courage, God wants to make sure you’re up for the challenge. I have sure tried to be. I am blessed beyond measure to have women in my life who continue to walk this road before me and with me and it is their hands I’m so thankful to hold on to. So many have prayed with and for me; encouraged and challenged me; made me laugh and hugged me when I cried; and loved me no matter what I’ve done. I am without words to express my thankfulness for this life, these people, and this past year.

So…this is my year of BRAVE, and I’m almost ½ way through. I’m feeling pretty good about it. I opened my heart and that was fun.  I’ve opened my mind to new opportunities and I’m excited about where that’s leading. I opened my spirit to new friends, challenges and dreams and that is fulfilling. We all have those moments when we question, well, everything. Did I make the right decision? Did I do enough? Did I screw it up? Will I ever find ____ (insert love, health, wealth, happiness here)? Here’s my recent moment with that. I was running the Broad Street 10 miler on May 4^th and I was crossing into the Navy Yard and had about a quarter mile to go, I thought, am I being brave? And no joke, after 2 hours of my workout playlist on shuffle, right then, Sara Bareilles’s Brave came on. Instantly I knew that God was telling me, you’re doing fine. It was truly a “God moment” where I had no doubt that He is the orchestrator of our whole lives.

Ok….so that is 32 in a nutshell. Tonight, I’m going to head to the airport and my healthy, gorgeous, supportive Momma is going to pick me up at LAX and we’re going to live like movie stars for 36 hours at the LA Live Marriott and we’re going to get gussied up and see if we can’t get some nice young gentleman to buy us some birthday drinks tomorrow night.

I want to leave you with one final thought. I recently read The Divergent series and it was really great. Here is a quote from the end of the series that is completely apropos to my year of BRAVE. I hope this quote leaves your inspired and challenged for your year ahead!

"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life." p. 509 of Allegiant by Veronica Roth

3 Years

3 years ago today, I was donating bone marrow.

36 months ago today, doctors were performing magic.

156 weeks ago today, I gave up a piece of me to save all of her.

1,095 days ago today, I gained a new family.

Charlotte is doing great! She is happy and healthy and loving school and basketball and so much more. Her hair is getting longer and she is getting taller and she is such a great big sister.

I continue to be thankful for this opportunity to stand up to cancer. To say, you will not win this battle, and you most certainly will not win this war. I continue to be thankful for the doctors and researchers and philanthropists who support and enable cancer research. I continue to be an advocate for donation and the life long gift that a little bit of pain and discomfort may bring. If one wants to change the world, it only takes one.

Be the one. Be the match.

Patience

When I was young - like Sunday school young - I was told by my pastor that I should be careful what I pray for. Careful because God is not like Santa; He does not usually hand us what we ask for. He usually places the request at the end of a lesson so that we walk away transformed. Just as the famous Chinese prophecy states: give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

I took this very seriously, and very literally.

There is one beatitude that I know (and others have commented that) I lack. Funny enough, it is the first one. Love is patient… 1 Corinthians 13:4.

¹pa·tient

adjective \ˈpā-shənt\

: able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people

Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of pati to suffer; perhaps akin to Greek pēma suffering

First Known Use: 14th century

Annoyed. Long time. Difficult. Suffer. Nothing about patience sounds fun. To have patience is a wonderful thing, especially around children. But not everyone is blessed with it, and I, most certainly am not. I am a doer. I want it done now. I want to make a decision and move on. I want to check the project off my list. I want to be heard the moment I have decided what I’d like to say. I do not enjoy waiting. I am the person who wants to skip the journey and just arrive at the destination. Ok, I think you get the picture. So…back to patience.

As my best friend Sarah and my several Epic Life Groups know, I have refused to pray for patience. I’ve also forbid anyone (who wants to remain my friend) to pray for patience for me. I think I’ve learned just enough of patience to muddle through the journey. I have spent so much time being afraid of what the earning of patience would look like. I fear that God will place challenge after challenge in my path to teach me patience. Who would pray for suffering? That sounds insane! Right?

So I started thinking about another time I used to refuse to pray for something. I used to refuse to pray for a parking spot because I thought it was trivial and God had way bigger fish to fry. (I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story on this blog before so I’ll keep it quick.) The moral of the story is, that I decided to give up my preconceived notion of what is trivial in prayer, and ask God for the parking spot he had planned for me where my car is safe and supposed to be. Sometimes it takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 45 (and on those 45 minute times, I have a few choice words for Him). But I learned that if I can be steadfast in prayer on even the trivial things, I will be more likely to trust and go to Him on the big things. Now, while parking in the city can be annoying, I know it’s out of my control because I trust in His plan.

Today I had to write down my prayer requests for my life group. Everyone in my group is going to pray for me throughout the day. They are going to take my desires, fears and needs and lift them up all day long. While being completely humbled by this knowledge, I am also pretty excited. Excited for the work God will do with the words of my friends. So…I decided that today was a good day to start my journey to patience. I’m hoping that God sees that I have already learned so much patience from the many years of fighting Him on this that I don’t actually have that far to come. (Wishful thinking I’m sure.) But mostly, I’m hoping that I can honestly find peace in the process of waiting. Waiting on a new job. Waiting on my husband. Waiting on visiting home and holding my niece. Waiting on my finances to allow me to take a summer to travel the world. Waiting on my body to find running an enjoyable pass time. Waiting on God to soften my heart, light my path, and fill my soul. I’m hoping the pati (suffering) is not nearly as bad as I have imagined, so in this challenge and in this prayer, I will be BRAVE.

Facing the Fear

Everyone has heard the old adage: “be careful what you wish for”. Well, that is also applicable to “be careful what you pray for” and my new favorite, “be careful what you publically challenge yourself about”. My word for this year is Brave. I promised to be brave. To pray for bravery. And to stand up to the challenge to seek bravery in my life. I feel like God is saying, “Ta da!”

Today, church challenged us to write down the one thing that is holding us back. The one thing we stress over and that causes us not to give life our all. There are several things in my life that hold me back, but what I realized is, that the root of them all is FEAR. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of rejection. Fear of debt. Fear of shame. All of these are individual and I need to work through them, but addressing the root: Fear, demands bravery. It demands that I look my fear in the face and say, “I can survive you. Nothing you can do to me will end me.” But where does that bravery come from? Well, that is the irony, isn’t it? It comes from facing the fear.

I recognized my “one thing” during a beautiful worship song titled Oceans, by Hillsong (which BTW I’ve been listening to on repeat for the last 75 minutes). I highly recommend it! The refrain says:

Sprit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

God reminded me that in my fear, I am EXACTLY where he knew I would be on day 11, 941 of my life. That my life will never be a disappointment to him. He knew every one of my days before I was born and knew my every choice would lead me to right where he would want me. So take that fear! If I trust in Him, His calling, and His plan, then this bravery challenge is another step on the path he laid out for me.

So, when I fear failure, or unworthiness, or rejection, I am going to continue to be brave and pray that my trust will bring me farther than I could ever imagine and that I will be stronger and better and more brave for it. I will know that despite human reaction, God will love me and provide me with a support that will see me through. That ultimately, I have nothing to fear because in the end, he is the one in control and he will love me in spite of EVERYTHING I will ever do. Fear has no place in face of this journey. 

But, I will still caution you, be careful what you “wish for” because in order to gain something, you have to learn or earn it, and often, that does not come easy.....but I know, I hope, I pray, it will be worth it.

Certainty?

 Why is it that when you want to sleep in (on a weekend) you can’t, but when you have to get up (workdays) you oversleep? I can’t seem to figure that one out. This morning, while my alarm was set for 8:51am (to hit the snooze [9minutes] once and then give me 1:15 hours to leisurely get to church), I promptly woke up at 7:45. I guess, since my usual alarm is 6:51am, that actually was sleeping in. So of course, I rolled over, grabbed my iPhone, and logged onto Facebook to see what I missed overnight.

My friend Kim (a cancer survivor) posted this New York Times article written by a neurosurgeon, recently diagnosed with lung cancer. (You can and should read the article here) The article hit me for several reasons and I had a few “cancer” and “numbered days” thoughts I wanted to share.

…”the certainty of death was easier than this uncertain life.”

This was his thought in response to wanting an answer on his lifespan post diagnosis. Most of us know that doctors won’t give you a number. Sometimes they won’t even give you a range, because they want to leave room for hope. Something most of us believes in, but when it comes to a crisis, we want answers, options, facts. But there is something comforting in the way this statement is worded. And also profoundly sad. Because isn’t death certain for all of us? Isn’t every day of our life uncertain, regardless of whether we have cancer, drive a car, or play with snakes? Even when my Mom received her diagnosis, we did the Google search and we learned that 60% of people with her cancer didn’t make it to 5 years (back then). But here we are, 7 years later and she’s going strong. Science is catching up. Faith is preserving will. And Hope has shattered walls.

“The path forward would seem so obvious, if only I knew how many months or years I had left.”

There is a Queen Latifah movie called The Holiday. I must admit I have not seen it, but the premise is, she’s given a terminal diagnosis, quits her job, spends all her money on trips and gifts, etc., only to find out the diagnosis was a mistake and now she has no job, no money, but she has her life. To her, her path seemed so obvious when she knew she only had a few months to live. Nothing else mattered but living life to the fullest and leaving nothing undone. When we’re given a deadline, it is much easier to set goals and accomplish them. You can see the finish line. You are sure to complete all the tasks and in such a way that they leave the mark you hope to leave. There is an element of control in the ability to plan.

But let’s be honest, how much control do we really have? Even with a terminal diagnosis, you could still have a heart attack, or be hit by a bus, or choke on that 6 layer chocolate cake you now eat for breakfast every day. Life happens outside of the schedule and order and plan we make.

What happens when we live our normal, healthy, undiagnosed days as if they were numbered? As if we only had months to live? What would we do differently? Would we watch less television? Would we exercise more or less? Would we call our parents (or our children) more? Would we dress differently? Volunteer more? Would we pray more? Would we sleep less? Listen to our music louder? Experiment in the kitchen? Check more things off our bucket list? Why should we wait to be told we’re dying to really start living?

“I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed both nothing and everything.”

So here’s a newsflash. YOU ARE DYING. Your days are numbered.  Are you going to let it change nothing….or everything? There’s no stopping time so ask yourself, what is it I’ve done with this life and is there more left to do? The answer is YES!!!! So…..your death is certain, the path may be obvious, so make the changes. Speak up for what you want. Go after what you love. Fulfill your goals and dreams. And above all, be BRAVE!!

My One Word

Around New Years, I was wondering if I’d make a resolution. The last few years I have made an athletic resolution – to run a 5k, 10k, half marathon, sprint triathlon – and have kept them. This year, I said I’d like to complete an Olympic distance triathlon. For those of you who think that sounds crazy….it does! ¾ mile swim, 22 mile bike and a 10k (6.2 mile) run. Of course, in light of my sister’s current ironman training, my “Olympic” dream doesn’t seem too hard. But, since I haven’t put my running sneakers on since completing my ½ marathon on October 27^th….it seems a bit of challenge tonight.

Around the same time, I read a post from my dear friend Jami, about the word for this year for her life. And I thought to myself, what an interesting concept. To challenge myself all year long to live up to my hope at the start of the year. I’ve been thinking about it for over 2 weeks now and the only word I continue to hear in my head is BRAVE.

Brave: adjective: feeling or showing no fear : not afraid. 1. Having or showing courage.

Synonyms: bold, courageous, fearless, gutsy, valiant, undaunted.

At first, it’s easy to think we are brave. I am brave. In my life I have moved 3,000 miles away from home to attend college. I took a year off after college to work even when everyone said, “you won’t go back to school”. And then there was law school. When no one in my family had attended grad school, I persevered. Oh, and then the European travel and studying abroad in London and Moscow and moving to New York City to live and work. So, I have definitely been brave a time or two.

I live my life as a mostly open book. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. I will share my life’s journey, adventures, stumbling blocks, heartaches and joys. But lately, I feel challenged in a more emotional and cerebral sense. Several challenges including the ability to receive, the act of investing, the allowance of vulnerability, and most notably overwhelming anxiety, continue to cause me doubt and fear. So this year, I want to face them. To do this, I will need to be brave in a way that I don’t know I have experienced. I will need to be courageous, fearless and even gutsy when it comes to laying aside my emotional weights and overcoming the walls I have built.

First, per my recent post on Acts of Service, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have a tough time receiving. Period. I spend my energy giving. But what I’m learning is that I’m not only shutting out those trying to share their love, I am also depleting my “tank”. Allowing others to care for me causes me tremendous fear, shame, and anxiety. But maybe, if I can find it in myself to be brave and courageous and allow myself to view receiving through the givers eyes, I will be filled. This may be my largest challenge this year, but I accept the challenge to receive, and I’m excited to experience a more full tank.

Second, investing. I am someone who doesn’t do anything halfway. I am a 120% person. I take pride in my acts and accomplishments. But over the years, with hard work and heartache, I have started to find it hard to invest. In people. My job. The future. Everything seems temporary and often not worth the effort. To open myself up to pain doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So without an absolute (which doesn’t ever exist BTW), I have allowed myself to stop investing. I think this also incorporates my fear of being AND appearing vulnerable. We’re taught to be strong women who can do anything on our own because we don’t need anyone, because if we do, than we can’t actually stand on our own. Well I can! I can do it all, all by myself. But why? Why do I want to do it alone? Why should I want to do it alone? Where is the fun when in the end you have no one to share it with? So, this year, I will employ courage and bravery and allow my heart to invest more in others. Friendships, mentorships, maybe love. ;-) I think this one will require me to be valiant. To stand at the brick wall of my heart and beat at the bricks one sword swipe at a time. (I just finished the third Game of Thrones: A Storm of Swords….therefore the battle reference seem appropriate!)

Finally, anxiety. This feels a recent development in my life. I’m sure I’ve always had anxiety in my life about grades, work, perfection, but it seems to be very prevalent in my life as of late. I don’t like it. Anxiety exists to make one feel that they are out of control. But the real issue is that anxiety suggests that we have the ability to control. As humans and even more so as a Christian, we learn that most of life is outside of our control. Granted, I can control my words, my actions, my choices, but that is about it. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control fate. I can’t control cancer. And the toughest one to swallow is that no matter how many scenarios I run over and over in my head, I can’t control others. I can’t control their choices, their reactions, or their words. So why do I have anxiety about it all if it could not be within my control to begin with? In the face of anxiety, I will choose to be brave and accept that my choices may not make others happy. And that I can’t control that. And that people I love might suffer from cancer or accidents or death. I can’t control that. But I can focus on my actions and seek to be brave in my words and deeds.

So…the moral of this story is that I RESOLVE TO BE BRAVE. I will try to courageously receive love and acts of kindness and service. I will valiantly work to strike down my walls of fear and allow love, challenge and opportunity to enter in. And I will be brave in the face of pain and failure which may (or may not) come. Finally, I will be fearless in the face of anxiety. I will pray for peace and I will challenge the anxiety by recognizing the lack of control and bravely seek that peace.

So…now I ask you to keep me accountable and to think about your word for the year might be? Where do you want to see yourself at the end of 2014? Is there anything you struggle with or want to overcome? Or is there just something you want to remind yourself ever now and again?

Acts of Service

Happy December 2013! I feel the need to write the year because I’m pretty sure that I have not updated this blog since the early half of 2013. (I’m writing this before logging in to check because I’m afraid that I am right.) And there is no excuse except to say….I’ve been busy living! If you’re reading this, you’re probably a close friend on Facebook so you haven’t missed much because I post just about everything there, including tons of selfies and lots of made-up hashtags, and I get a lot of flak for them. But, I’ve decided, despite my people pleasing tendencies, I’m going to keep documenting my life the only way I know how…until I have someone to help me….and then I think those pics are called groupies. Haha!

There is a lot to catch up on and I will catch you up on Charlotte, and my Mom, and my sister’s Ironman journey (she completed her first triathlon today and took 2^nd place in her age group!), and my gorgeous and perfect baby niece Sevina Sue (Sevi Sue as I like to call her), and Jami, and Grand Cayman, and my brother’s wedding, and getting two new tattoos and meeting boys….but first, I want to share my heart.

So…this has been a pretty great year. It has been a year filed with love and joy and adventure and clean PET scans for everyone I love. But some days, I feel like something is missing. And that is completely fine (and normal….I keep telling myself). So, while traveling for work in early October, I decided to read The Five Love Languages For Singles, by Gary Chapman. It’s pretty much the same as the original Five Love Languages, but he’s phrased much of the application in a way that is a bit more relatable to us many million who have not found (or who have lost) the One. The five love languages are: 1. Physical Touch 2. Words of Affirmation 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time and 5. Acts of Service. First I will say, if you have not read the book or taken the quiz….you should! The quiz is 30 questions and it’s free on the book’s website. It may change your life. It changed mine. If you would have asked me before I read the book and took the quiz what my love language was, I would have said “Acts of Service”; hands down. I love to do things for others and take care of them and surprise them. However…that’s only half of the question. The question really is, “How do you receive love?” How you give it is the second half of that equation, but for 75% of us, those halves are the same answer. So…I read the book and took the quiz. So here are some clues as to my love language:

1.  I love to babysit my friend’s kids so they can have date night.

2.    I got really upset with my Mom last Christmas because she was shopping on Christmas Eve while I was home cooking, cleaning and wrapping gifts. (NOTE: Need I remind you I live 3,000 miles away from her and spend, on average, $450 to visit home for the holidays.)

3.       I love making my chicken dumpling soup for people in need, i.e. new baby, loss, sick, etc.

4.       I yearn for hour long phone conversations with my friends and family who live far away.

5.       I love skyping with the Elske’s and the Rikers!

6.       Pad Thai, bottle of wine, Grey’s and girlfriend(s) is my idea of a perfect girl’s night!

So…Obviously, my love language is Quality Time. In fact, I received an 11/12 on QT, so hands down, it is the way I most receive love. Shockingly, Acts of Service received a 0/12. The others were all in the 5-9 range, so I speak all of those fairly well (although Words of Affirmation was a 9). What I learned about my original hypothesis through this process, was that I show love through Acts of Service because I associate it with Quality Time. But I also learned that I don’t accept Acts of Service; actually, like not at all. I was raised to do acts of service as a way to show love and respect, so when I don’t do it well or when someone does something for me, I associate it with not doing something right or being viewed as not smart enough to do it myself. What this book (and self-reflection, and prayer) is teaching me, is that, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Others are doing things for me because they are speaking their own love language. They are trying to show me they care. They are trying to take care of me. As a 32 year old woman who has been on her own for quite some time, I’m sure you can see why that has been hard to digest. But God is relentless in his teaching and in his timing for answering prayer.

Several weeks ago, I attended church and was really struggling with the way the ushers were “assigning our seats”. I have a certain area in the theatre I have always sat, but I wasn’t allowed. I was frustrated. This is my church and I have my “usual spot”, and I felt they were trying to fit me into a place I didn’t want to be. I was so upset I actually started to cry. My best friend looked at me, hugged me, told me I was a mess, and that we’d get Starbucks after and talk about it. I prayed that God would help me to be present and hear what he had for me and to help me get over this frustration. 2 weeks later I attended church and I went to grab my Boston crème donut before service. As I reached for the tongs, a hospitality server picked them up and offered to serve me the donut of my choice. Through clenched teeth I smiled and pointed to the Boston crème; took my plate and stormed to my seat. I smiled at the usher and then walked to the seat I wanted to sit in, and started to sing along with the worship. I closed my eyes and I asked God why. Why can’t they just let me get my own donut? Why does it make me so angry? And seriously, in an instant, I opened my eyes and started to laugh. Out loud. And my best friend looked to me and said, “What?” And I said, “Their love language is acts of service. They are trying to show me love through serving me.” And in that moment I understood that God was not only laughing with me, but also proud of my earnest attempt to understand communication, grace, and love. See, we can’t only speak our #1 and #2 love language. That would make us not only incomplete, but also incompatible with most people. There are people in my life that show me love through Acts of Service and I need to be able to hear that from them despite my insecurities and stubbornness. More importantly, I was reminded, in that moment, that God answers prayer. While reading the Love Languages, I was challenged to ask God to open my heart to Acts of Service and to begin to learn to feel loved through this language. And in his persistence, I am learning….slowly…but learning. And reminded that he does answer prayers….albeit in His “I have eternity” timing….but he does answer them.

So….here is my update. It’s not about anyone in particular….those will come. But it’s really about a moment of clarity and a challenge to really look at those close to you and try to understand what they are saying to you in their words, touch, actions, time, and gifts during this holiday season. I have a feeling it is so much more than you even realize.

Charlotte, Jami & Summertime Adventures

It has been two months and I have much to update you on. All good of course!

First, I just returned from a visit to Chicago this past weekend. I was there for work and was able to catch up with travel friends. But no visit to Chicago would be complete without visiting my "LG" Charlotte. She and her family (Dad-Lon, Mom-Amy and sister-Molly) traveled the three hours to Chicago after a stop at Lego Land on Saturday. We met for dinner at the Weber Grill. When they arrived, Charlotte came running up to give me a big hug and although it took Molly a few minutes longer, she soon gave me a hug and they both sat on each side of me at dinner. I continue to find my time with the Elske's very easy. We have much to talk about and catch up on and we just genuinely enjoy "hanging out". Charlotte has many stories to tell me about school and sports and Broadway her dog. After dinner, we walked around the city and found ourselves in the Disney "toy" store. It was so fun to watch the girls travel from shelf to rack and name the characters and snuggle toys. They are such polite and well behaved girls and it is really a joy to watch them giggle and laugh. As we walked around the city, the girls would switch hand holders so I would walk with Charlotte for a block and then Molly for a block. I just loved those moments!

Just the girls before dinner at Weber Grill

On Sunday, we met for a day at Navy Pier. The day was warm but there was so much to do. We settled on the Children's Museum and spent about 3 hours running all around. They had a fire station where the girls could dress up and fight fires. A petting station with tons of stuffed animals where Charlotte set up her own farm with horses eating grass and sick puppies visiting the vet. Molly dressed up as every animal under the sun, including a dragon! We also excavated dinosaur bones and when Charlotte found one she exclaimed, "It must be my lucky day!" After completing just about every section, we embarked on lunch and then it was time to say good-bye. But hopefully for not as long as I am hoping to find a spare weekend to visit the Madison, WI area and meet more of the family including Broadway!

Piggyback Ride at Navy Pier

Selfie on the carousel. We have the same favorite carnival ride!

There are no words to describe the joy and peace a child's laughter can bring. I am blessed by the chance to have heard Charlotte's so many times this weekend and am so thankful for the opportunity to know this family. They are truly salt of the earth people who appreciate every day they have with each other and honor others with their kindness and grace. I am so thankful to be a part of their extended family. For more information on Charlotte's journey and some pictures from this weekend, you can check out her blog at: http://cjelske.wordpress.com/2013/07/14/july-14th-2013-day-856/


Second, as many of you may know, my friend Jami was recently featured on the show Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. If you haven't seen the episode, check it out on www.hulu.com or www.abc.com. It was a fantastic and moving journey of my friend. Jami allowed her vulnerabilities and brokenness to be displayed for the world to see and I believe God meant it to touch thousands (maybe even millions) in a way that only Jami could. She was able to overcome a broken spirit to find her courage, lose weight, get healthy in both mind and body, and visit her birth mother in Chile. I have had the privilege to walk much of this journey with Jami as a friend and a prayer partner and she continues to inspire me daily. She also is keeping a blog about her journey both past and present and you can read more about her journey here: http://www.jamiwitherell.com/.

 
In other news...my Mom is doing really well. We recently went on a family vacation to Grand Cayman and although she succumbed to a respiratory infection, she didn't let it keep her down. We swam with the stingrays and snorkeled with sharks and turtles and squid and even took a submarine ride to over 100 feet below the surface. It was a wonderful time of rest and relaxation and the best part was that she received news only weeks before that her PET scans were clear and she is currently cancer free! That has been a great weight lifted for our family.

Coming up in the life of Erin....my brother is getting married in less than a month and will be a Father in under 4 months. We are so excited for all these firsts for my family and even more excited that we will all be healthy and present to enjoy them.

Thank you for your love and continued support! Life really is a great gift and I'm thankful to share mine with you. Happy July!

Angelina Jolie & BRAC Testing

So today I posted this on FB:
"I rarely post anything "political" on FB, but I wanted to comment on Angelina Jolie's "news". I am so thankful to her and other "famous" women for sharing the choice to be BRAC tested and even go as far as having preventative surgery.
1/10 women will get breast cancer and an even higher rate will get it (before age 45) with a BRAC gene mutation. And even more with the mutation will suffer from ovarian cancer (much harder to detect and often terminal).
Testing showed that Angelina's chances of cancer were 87%+. Should she have waited to have to undergo surgery, chemo, radiation, etc or should she save herself and her family and 6 children the suffering and undergo the preventative actions?
Now I'm not advocating that all women chop off their boobs, but as someone with an elevated risk (27%) of having breast cancer, I am thankful to her for making a tough choice and sharing a story that will hopefully inspire women around the globe NOT to get surgery, but to get TESTED and know their situation and their options. It's nice when a celebrity uses their fame for something constructive. "

If you know me, you know strongly I feel about knowledge and testing and having all your information available to make the best decision. Now, I am a faithful People.com follower and love news about celebrities as much as the next girl, but often I am disgusted by what passes for "news". I don't often feel that we "deserve" to know every detail about a celebrity's divorce, or lunch menu or weight loss/gain. But I am a big believer that God allows things to happen to us to educate others. Angeline Jolie's story is one such situation. She is an international and humanitarian ambassador and her reach for "fame" and education far exceeds most human beings. The loss of her mother, gene testing, and the choice to have preventative surgery, give her a unique platform to educate. Just as Robin Roberts is a voice for the National Bone Marrow Registry, so is Angelina for BRAC testing and beast cancer preventative education.

I am sad that so many women in my family have endured the loss of part or all of their breasts due to this invasive disease. But because they have, I have met with doctors and done the research and understand my risks and the protocols I should take to prevent (as much as I can) getting the disease. Luckily, I am not in the same situation as Angelina and my risk is not a virtual certainty. But I have the information to protect myself and to educate those I love. For those who have not yet endured the heartache of cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery and recovery, take your boobs into your own hands and be proactive. You do not need BRAC testing unless you've had breast cancer while age 45 or younger or your mother or grandmothers have had breast or ovarian cancer. Men can be carriers so if a woman related to your Father has had either cancer, they should be tested to determine if their have the gene. If they do, then your Father should consider getting tested before insurance will likely cover your testing.

Educate, educate, educate.
Rant complete. :-)

Two Years Ago Today...

I was resting comfortably in my first hospital room at Hahnamann Hospital in downtown Philly. I absolutely cannot believe that two years have gone by so quickly.



I came home this morning from a weekend trip to Scranton, PA to visit some friends I've been missing and have some cuddle time with their new baby. When I checked the mail, I had a card from the Elske's. It was a get well card (I recently had some minor knee surgery) and inside was Charlotte's basketball picture. God is so good! That I received the card on the morning of my 2 year donation anniversary is just PERFECT timing. Charlotte even signed the card in her own hand.

Charlotte had her 2 year post transplant check-up last Thursday and her doctors said that she is doing "perfect, perfect." They told Amy and Lon that they should now be less concerned with relapse and more concerned for long term effects of the treatment which is such great news! She is really doing great. Playing team sports and going to school several days a week and being a wonderful big sister to Molly. This has been such a wonderful experience to be a part of and I'm so thankful for this opportunity.

Life, otherwise, is great. Nothing major or new to report. I just can't believe how quickly two years can go by and I'm very much looking forward to another opportunity to visit the Elske's (hopefully) this summer.

Happy March and enjoy the renewing that is Easter and Spring!
Erin

A New Year

Well, it's only been 4 months since my last post, but boy has life been busy!

I was traveling quite a bit for work and was even stranded in Florida for a few extra days thanks to Hurricane Sandy. Luckily, I was staying with some dear friends, so the stay wasn't all that bad. We had a wonderful girls weekend retreat in October with most of the ladies of my family in Arizona and I spent quite a bit of time in California during all the holidays. Here are the highlights:

1. My best friend gave birth to her first son, Liam and he is perfect! One of my favorite little people in the world. He was born just before Thanksgiving so I had the opportunity to see him on the ultrasound before he was born and then hold and snuggle him tons over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I just adore him and am so thankful to Stephanie and Mike for letting me be a part of his life!

2. My brother got engaged on New Years Day! It was not a huge surprise as he and Elizabeth have been together about a year and half, but we are so excited for all the fun times this year will hold with planning and preparing! They are a perfect match, and Kristen and I adore her as a new sister!

3. Charlotte has been doing wonderfully. She is in school and passed all her physicals and continues to progress as a normal 5 year old. She recently started basketball and according to her blog, she really likes it! I skyped with them last week and was able to see the whole family (including Broadway the dog) for about 30 minutes. It took Charlotte a few minutes to warm up, but Molly was on the desktop chatting and smiling away. The girls showed me many of their Christmas gifts and Charlotte even shared one of her favorite story books with me. She held the book up to the camera and then turned the page. It was such a treat! I email with Amy (Charlotte's Mom) at least once a week, so we didn't have too much new to talk about, but it was just wonderful to have some facetime with them. I miss them terribly!!!

4. Now for the not so happy news. In October, my Mom (Sherri) was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know what you're thinking, give the woman a break! But she handled it with grace and dignity. We were actually relieved if you can say that, that it wasn't the lymphoma. She was diagnosed with invasive ductile carcinoma and underwent a double mastectomy. The good news is that she did not need any further treatment. No radiation and no chemo. Radiation actually wasn't an option, which is why she went with the mastectomy, but luckily they caught it early. I was home over Thanksgiving to take care of her after her surgery and then she was good as new by Christmas. So we actually got to spend a little time together and even spent a night in the Presidential Suite at the Riverside Marriott! That was a treat!

Lucky for you, I'm writing this blog from work, so I won't let myself get too emotional, but it really has been a whirlwind few months. I think I have moments of such overwhelming emotions that I don't even know what to do with them. I cut and died my hair dark between Thanksgiving and Christmas because I just needed a change (and to do something for myself I think). I am so thankful for my Mom's health and just want it to last. It really makes me take stock of what I'm doing with my life and whether the time I'm putting in to unsatisfying endeavors is worth it. I swore I'd never move back to CA, but I find myself pondering it on a regular basis.

Do you ever feel like even though you're surrounded by people, you are alone? You are carrying so much weight, but it's your job and you're healthy, so suck it up, you can do it? Me too. Do you ever want more or different? Everyday, right? It's nice not to feel alone.

The geneticist says that although my Mom didn't have the BRAC gene mutation causing breast cancer, my sister and I have a 27% chance of getting breast cancer. That's 17% more than the average woman who is 1/10. So that's exciting! I'm pushing 32, single, no prospects, and now I have a 1/4 chance of losing my boobs to cancer. Fun fact for the day! :-)

So what do I do with all this information? ... I live. I live each day as if it's my last. Love every person so they remember. Invest in people and relationships every moment I can. All our days are numbered, and these challenges are just reminders that we can do so much with what we have. I challenge you to do the same.

Hopefully my next update won't be too far away...I think I may have a few more thoughts soon... Happy January!

18 Month Check-In

Happy Fall! Isn't it lovely outside? Sleeping with the windows open and even needing a sweater at night? I absolutely love Fall!

I wanted to share some updates that have been going on for both me and Charlotte. Tuesday, September 11th marked the 2 year anniversary of Charlotte's diagnosis. And Monday, September 10th marked the 18 month anniversary of my donation. I've been emailing with Amy, keeping up on their life and the girls and I can completely understand the nervous, anxious time they've been facing as these dates have passed. It is all one can do to focus on the positive and the future, but there is always a time of butterflies waiting for test results and confirmation that the cancer is still at bay. We deal with this with my Mom as well, always around the July mark of her transplant and relapse.

Well, good news! Yesterday, Charlotte had her 3 month check-up and her blood work is just "perfect. perfect." The doctor and nurses were so happy to see her looking strong, healthy and full of energy. Little sister Molly even got in on the fun jumping up on the examination table and wanting to be checked out. Another major milestone, Charlotte started her first year of pre-school last week! She loved it and continues to enjoy going. Most days she doesn't even need a nap, so it seems her energy is returning and she really is a normal, healthy, four-year old! All of this is music to her family's ears and makes me so happy that I was able to contribute to the gift that is Charlotte!

There are some new photos and even a video of Charlotte as one of the spokespersons for Make-A-Wish Wisconsin on her blog: http://cjelske.wordpress.com/2012/09/13/september-13th-2012-day-552/.

As for me...last Sunday, was a brunch sponsored by Be The Match for donors and a guest. I was in Atlanta for work, but made the trip home early so that I could attend. It was wonderful to meet the staff of BTM who I have been working with and communicating with over the past 2 years. Many of the hospital staff from Hahnemann were also there, so I was able to give an update about me and share my pictures of Charlotte. It was also wonderful to meet other donors, hear about their stories, their recipients, and why they joined. Each person has such a personal and unique story and it is amazing to learn about the ways in which our lives can impact others. One woman's stem cells traveled to an international recipient. Another man learned that he donated to his childhood neighbor's second cousin now living in California. Incredible! There were two speakers; one was a cord blood recipient who received her transplant during a relapse of leukemia when she was in her early twenties. There were no matches in the database, but a cord blood donation saved her life. The second speaker was a donor who joined because of her Father's diagnosis. His brother was a match and gave him nearly 5 more years of life. He was able to see his daughter graduate college and walk her down the aisle before losing his battle this past spring. But his battle (like my Mom's) encouraged his daughter to join the registry and she donated last year to a man in his 20's, saving his life. It was a powerful morning and reinforced the opportunity and the gift that we all possess in our blood. It was a great morning at the National Constitution Center and I'm grateful to my friend Sarah for joining me.

We of course couldn't leave without having a little bit of fun...

I hope you are all well and I'm looking forward to being on the road over the next few months traveling for work and catching up with family and friends. I'll update again when I have something fun to share!

Erin

Meeting My LG!

I had an incredible first trip to Chicago! I can't believe that with all my travels, I have yet to spend time in the Windy City, but now I know why. It was meant to be a city etched on my heart in a very special way.



Erin & Charlotte after dinner on Saturday night.



On Saturday evening, after 2 days of work, 2 restless nights, and bundle of nerves, my Mom and I ventured on a walk that would forever change our lives. We arrived at a beautiful restaurant near the river and waited to meet Charlotte and her family. When they walked up, tears were already being shed and Charlotte had a big smile on her face. She shook my hand and promptly introduced me to her toy frog and shark. She and Molly were wearing beautiful new dresses for the occasion and Molly even gave me a bit of a smile...after a minute or two. :-) Hugs and tears were shared and Mom and I hugged each person in turn, Amy (Charlotte's Mom), Lon (Charlotte's Dad) and grandparents Jean, Louise and Lyle. Once we were finally seated at the table, Charlotte broke out into song...veggie tales...so of course, I joined in, because what 31 year old doesn't know all the words?! She is quite the little star...definitely NOT in her DNA. ;-) While we ordered our deep dish pizza and pasta, I handed Charlotte a present (wrapped in purple paper, her favorite color), and she was so excited to open a new book! I bought her the book The Giving Tree because not only is it a great book for children, it is also a story that I think demonstrates the relationship we will always share. Then, my Mom shared a gift with Charlotte, a book of children's bible stories/prayers. That was an even bigger hit and I'm told she even read that one before bed Saturday night.



Charlotte opening her gift - The Giving Tree



Charlotte and Molly and I hamming it up for the camera.



Amy and Lon shared some gifts with me as well. They handpicked several Pandora charms, each of which symbolizes something different. They are so precious, and each was wrapped in a labeled box letting me know the meaning behind them. I can't wait to put them together and wear them! The grandparents also gave me a beautiful silver necklace of 2 entwined hearts, one little, one big, to symbolize that Charlotte and I will always be linked. It is beautiful and I still haven't taken it off. Along with handwritten notes, I was speechless by the love and generosity of the Elske family. We told stories and laughed and cried and it was as if we had been friends forever. At the end of dinner, I actually looked and Amy and said, "I'm not ready to leave." They all agreed and we went for a walk...after pictures of course!



The Elske family - Amy, Molly, Lon, (me), Lyle, Jean, Louise, Charlotte.



On Sunday, we met at the Shedd Aquarium for a day of exploration and laughter. I am told that when someone asked Charlotte what they were going to do that day, she replied, "We're going to the aquarium to see Erin." So sweet! She came right up to me and gave me a hug and walked with me, hand-in-hand, to redeem the tickets. We were thick as thieves all day as we watched the beluga whales and dolphins, searched for spiny lobsters and hidden tarantulas, and gazed at jelly fish. Charlotte saved a seat beside her at lunch for me, and when we hugged at the end of the day, I told her I loved her, and she said, "I love you too". No moment was sweeter.



Charlotte, Cocoa the jellyfish, and I outside the Shedd Aquarium, just before goodbye.



 There was a moment on Saturday night when I looked at this precious, smiling and lively little girl, and I actually said, I can't imagine this world without her. I am so grateful we don't have to find out. I am so thankful to the Elske family for coming to Chicago and spending so much time with us. It feels like we have been family for ever and I am very much looking forward to seeing them again soon. If you want to keep up with Charlotte's life, here is her blog: http://cjelske.wordpress.com/.

I am also so thankful to my Momma for coming to Chicago to be with me as my support and also my inspiration. It is because of her - her cancer, her strength, her survival and her faith - that I am blessed to have been chosen to help this precious little girl. My Mom is the one who ultimately saved Charlotte's life and I hope that is an inspiration to those who face potentially insurmountable challenges. There is always a way. Together, we made a difference.



My Mom Sherri, Charlotte and I happy to be survivors!



Gratitude

I have the best church! It's called Epic, because it is epic. Our mission is to serve, and our pastor wears flip flops! What more could you ask for? Free bagels and donuts? We do that too! haha!

Well yesterday, (lead pastor) Kent preached on gratitude. He shared the story of Luke 17, where Jesus came into a city on the border of Samaria and Galilee and there were 10 lepers who asked to be healed. He told them to show themselves to the priest (which you only did if you were healed) and on their way, they were healed. Only 1 of the 10 came back to thank Jesus. "17 Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?"19 Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."

At first glance, you think, man, those other 9 are ungrateful because they did not thank Jesus publicly. But, do you think they were ungrateful? The Bible says nothing about what they did the rest of their life, but I'm pretty sure if you think about what they experienced, you would agree that they were GRATEFUL! They got their life back, their jobs, their families, their health. But they didn't say thank you to Jesus.

Kent challenged the church to express our gratitude in a physical way. "Say what needs to be said, and do what needs to be done." It is easy to forget to say thank you, especially to someone who is a part of your everyday life. When you forget, you come off as ungrateful, or worse, entitled. We don't want that. That is not who we are, or what we are feeling. So my challenge to you is to BE grateful, SAY grateful, and DO grateful. It's much easier to say "thank you" than it is to say "I'm sorry".

In that vein, I want to say some thank yous:
Mom - thank you for your heart and your ears. You've taught me to love unconditionally and you listen to me even when you've heard it a thousand times (and disagree). You've taught me to live for today and say what needs to be said, because we might not have tomorrow. Thank you.
Dad - you've taught me to plan, think ahead and be self-sufficient. This has turned me into an adventurer who travels to foreign lands and is able to stand on my own two feet, all by myself. Thank you.
James - you've taught me to listen, to not always be the boss and let others have opinions and maybe even be right once in a while. You've also taught me to be vulnerable and let others in even when it's hard. Thank you.
Kristen - you've taught me love and kindness. You teach me the necessity of kind words and unbridled passion for life and faith. You've also taught me what the unconditional love of a best friend looks like. Thank you.
Aunt Judi - you've taught me to love books and to believe in myself. You have a way of looking at life that is clear, and positive and you get me even when I feel like no one else does. Thank you.
Uncle Jerry - you've taught me to see things in myself that I didn't see before, and because of you, I believe in myself. Thank you.
Grandparents - you've taught me that unconditional love conquers all and that money is just paper. You've all risen out of sober circumstances to become incredible examples or life, love and strength. I strive to have a story like yours. Thank you.
Stephanie - you teach me joy! You bring so much happiness into every moment and I am so thankful for your infectious positivity. Thank you.
Sarah - you've taught me accountability and to stand strong in my faith and beliefs. You challenge me to the person God has planned and remind me that I am strong. Thank you.
Jami - you taught me the power of positive thinking. To overcome the negative by accentuating the positive. You taught me that I am a triathlete. Thank you.
Eastern Girls - you've taught me that friendship grows and molds to your life. No matter how near or far, friendship can stand the test of time and will be there when you need it most. Thank you.
Colleagues - you've taught me to believe in my talents and to depend on others who have gone before me. It's not all about forging a new path, sometimes, the paved path is the best. Thank you.

There are so many more people that I could thank individually, but I think my word count is running low. I hope this encourages (and inspires) you to do the same. Reach out to those who have impacted your life and say thank you. They may brush you off because they don't like to be the center of attention, but believe me, it will mean the world to them.

Look for a Chicago update in 1 week!!